When Affection is More Than Romance
Cupid is preparing his bow and arrows for another season of love and romance, with Valentine's Day just around the corner. Candles, chocolates, and a bouquet of roses are hoped for, and dinner reservations become increasingly harder to make. Is that what love is, though? Is LOVE flower petals in the hot, bubbly bathtub? Some quiet, sultry music playing in a candlelit room? Or is there more? Dr. Gary Chapman gave us a great outline of how individuals can differ in their displays of affection, named The Five Love Languages; these love languages have often been linked with romance and romantic relationships.
However, looking at the various love relationships we have in our lives, only ONE of those relationships is romantic. All the other relationships (such as friends or family) have a different flavor of love. These love relationships focus more so on loyalty, commitment, and support. When we view the Five Love Languages (Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Quality Time, and Gifts) through the lens of loyalty, commitment, and support, we find a different facet of love. Possibly a part of love that we’ve been blind to. What do these love languages look like?
Physical Touch
When we think about touch, people usually go to kissing and handholding. Unlike most people, I think of slapping when I hear the word touch. Why? Because most of my friends are funny, and when they tell me a knee slapper, I’m either slapping my knee or their arm. Touch friends are the friends who can hit you on the arm after a good joke. They’re the ones rubbing your back when you’re feeling down. They’re the family members who give you a silent hug when you need support. A stranger couldn’t hug or even hit you on the arm after a good joke. That could be the start of a fight. What about someone close and secure in their relationship with you? They’ll be able to support you by putting their arm around you.
Words of Affirmation
In a romantic relationship, we often think of words of affirmation as encouragement or compliments. However, what you’ll typically see with words of affirmation from friends or family is that they’ll vocalize their feelings of loyalty and security to you. Statements such as, “You know, I’m only telling you this because you’re my closest friend” or “If you need a place to stay, you can always come here; you’re like a sister to me.” You show love to a person with words of affirmation by letting them know you’re committed to them.
Acts of Service
People who are acts of service will typically be background workers. Acts of service folk like to help in any way they can. At barbecues, you’ll usually find them setting up tables and cleaning things up without the host asking. They typically ask how they can help, and if they’re not told what to do, they’ll find a way to help independently. They’ll often be the first to help set up and the last to leave after cleaning. A lot of mothers tend to show acts of service to their adult children when they come to visit. Maybe even a little rearranging of which cabinet the cups should be in.
Quality Time
A funny thing: when quality time is mentioned, people typically think of quantity time. “Oh, she’s a quality time person, so I see her Friday AND Saturday.” “He’s a quality time person, so I spent all day with him.” Here’s the secret: for quality time people, showing up and being there is most important. Quality time people attend every winter concert, soccer game, and child baptism. Being there = I love you and support you. On the other hand, when someone doesn’t show up for them in their need, they’ll often feel hurt.
Gifts
I love a nice wristwatch for those who know me and want to get me a lovely gift. Especially watches that start with an “R” and end with “olex.” However, a gift’s brand or price isn’t that important for gift people. What gifts people do is they’ll look at an object and associate it with a person. They’ll see Charmin on sale and think, “Should I pick one up for my mom?” Or when they’re in the drinks aisle, they’ll think, “Charlene is coming over. Maybe I’ll grab some Diet Coke for her.” Gifts are my way of saying, “I was thinking about you when I saw ______.”
A Little Challenge
Now that you’ve gotten a different approach to the love languages, what love touches have you been missing? What messages of security have you been oblivious to? How can you better show your spouse affection in their language that isn’t “simply” romantic?
About Roy
Roy believes that knowledge of yourself and your relational dynamics can bring real clarity to what seems like a hopeless situation. He provides communication skills, challenging perspectives, and empathetic support for individuals, couples, and families who struggle with feeling overwhelmed or feel stuck in the same cycle.