Myths and Tips to Navigate Difficult Marriage Conversations
One relationship myth is that as couples enter into marriage, they believe they should never argue or disagree.
A second myth is that you should always like each other.
A more realistic expectation is that conflict in marriage is inevitable. You and your partner are two different people with different interests, annoyances, and opinions.
At times you may not like your partner but you do still love them. You will not always be happy with them and their habits.
A third myth is that you should always agree on everything. The saying “agree to disagree” can be used in relationships.
It is important to find common ground but there will be discussions that will be a perpetual conflict, meaning you just can’t agree. Since by definition myths are not true, we will find ourselves having very uncomfortable conversations with our partner that can lead to arguments.
Here are some tips to navigate those uncomfortable conversations.
The first tip is to set your goal for the conversation.
Are you entering the conversation to defend yourself or convince your partner to agree to your point of view? If so, the likelihood of the marriage winning is very slim. Try to set a goal to understand your partner’s perspective, their need, and why the topic is so important to them. This does not mean that you will “lose” and your partner will “win”. This just means that you are entering the conversation as a student, willing to learn about your partner’s needs and desires even if it’s completely opposite to your needs and desires.
The second tip is to set a goal as a couple of what you want to come out of this conversation.
Most of the time we want to feel heard and validated. When each individual is entering a conversation with the goal to understand their partner and learn from them, then the likelihood of everyone feeling heard and understood increases. You both are more likely to validate each other and find common ground.
The third tip is to be willing to stay present, self-soothe as necessary, and take time out as needed.
It is completely understandable that certain conversations can be very triggering and your natural reaction is to defend yourself or escape from the conversation. When you have the willingness to stay present, you can practice self-soothing techniques so that a resolution can be found. At times, it will be very difficult to self-soothe and the conversation can escalate into a fight. At that time, a good practice would be to communicate to your partner that you need a break from the conversation. At that moment, set a time to come back to the conversation. It is very important that during your break, you practice self-soothing and do not rehearse what you want to communicate or play back what your partner said that triggered you. That is a time to bring yourself back to wanting to understand your partner and learn about their needs.
Managing difficult conversations in a relationship can be very challenging. It can be very easy to fight for our way at the expense of our partner’s needs and emotions. Practicing these three tips can help get you through some uncomfortable conversations. Of course, there will be times when these tips may not be enough, in which it may be a good time to see a Marriage and Family Therapist.
Written by: Erica Realpe
About Erica:
Erica works with couples, families, individuals and groups coming from both English and Spanish speaking backgrounds. Erica's passion is to provide counseling for the well being and restoration of family relationships.