Why Do We Argue? (Part 1: the Pain Cycle)
The First Session:
Martha and Jim charge into my counseling office, the tension thick between them, and sit down defiantly with deep scowls on their faces. “You’re never there for me when I need you”, Martha accuses her husband. Jim sullenly turns away.
How we relate to our partners is often a reflection of our need to experience a secure attachment with them if we did not have a secure attachment with one or either parental figure as a child. We seek connection with our partner, but we also need to protect our own vulnerabilities. We may not recognize why we feel hurt when our partner does not respond in a caring way. Also, we often don’t recognize how our partner is affected by our feelings and behavior. One way to help our fictional clients, Martha and Jim, is to show them that there is a dance that occurs between them that reflects a basic need of wanting to feel safe and secure with our partner. Using the Pain and Peace Cycle, developed by Restoration Therapy, the therapist begins by helping them see how they affect each other.
I first ask Martha, “What are you feeling right now – when Jim turns away when you reach for him?”
“I feel disregarded, I feel dismissed. I feel like I don’t matter to him.”
I then ask, “And when you reach for him, and Jim turns away, how do you respond?”
“I get so angry. I just want to scream. I yell at him and pressure him. Then I just feel lonely”, she replies sadly.
“And Jim,” I venture, “when Martha yells at you and pressures you, what happens to you at that moment?”
He describes, “I guess I feel overwhelmed mostly. I feel incapable. I’m confused and angry.”
I ask, “And when you’re feeling overwhelmed, incapable, confused, and angry, what do you do?”
He answers, “I just shut down. I don’t know what to say. I just want to get away.”
The Circular Dance
This a typical ‘Pursuer-Distancer’ dance where one partner pursues (Martha) hoping for connection, but her partner (Jim) distances himself. Why? The way this couple is interacting creates a circular dance that goes like this:
“So, when you’re feeling disregarded, dismissed, and that you don’t matter, Martha, you get angry, you want to scream, yell, and pressure Jim. And when Martha gets angry with you, Jim, and screams and yells, and pressures you, you feel overwhelmed, incapable, confused, and angry. So, you shut down, you don’t know what to say, and just want to get away. Is that right?”
They both recognize the dance. I explain, “This is your Pain Cycle”.
“We’re going to explore your Peace Cycle next”.
“Martha, think back to when you first met Jim. Can you remember how you felt when you were with him?”
She softens, “Yeah, I felt like I was special to him. I felt understood and adored by him.”
I continue, “And when you felt special, understood, and adored, how did you respond in your actions?” Martha answers, “I was affectionate. I was loving, more patient, and kind.”
I ask the same questions of Jim, who responds, “I felt like a man, capable and strong. I also was loving. And when I felt this way, I was fun-loving, caring, and I provided leadership”.
I explain, “This is your Peace cycle. The goal is to move away from your pain cycle toward your peace cycle. The way you do this is to first recognize that you’re in the dance. Let’s find a name for your dance so that you can call it what it is before it escalates”.
Martha offers, “How about our ‘Anger Waltz’”? Jim shifts in his chair to face Martha.
I continue, “Okay, great. So how do you first recognize the early signs of the ‘Anger Waltz’ – where do you feel it in your body?”
Martha ponders,” I guess I feel anger rising; I feel it in my chest and how I my breathing changes. I seem to be holding my breath and then my head gets hot, and I feel like I’m going to explode.”
Jim pauses and then offers, “I feel threatened – almost panicky. My breath gets short, my heart races, and I just want to run.”
“Okay”, I respond, “those are your cues that the Anger Waltz it about to begin.”
Next week we will talk about how to move from your pain cycle to your peace cycle.
Written by: Tamara O’Shea, MA, LAMFT