When Kids ‘Won’t'… but Actually 'Can't Yet': Seeing Misbehavior as Developmental Differences

Many parents have said it: "My child just won't listen!" or "She knows better!"

These moments are frustrating, but what if the problem isn't that a child won't behave, but that they can't yet? Much of what appears to be defiance or disobedience is a sign that a child's self-regulation skills are still developing.

 Children are not born knowing how to calm themselves down, handle frustration, or transition smoothly between activities.

These are skills learned over time through practice and guidance from caring adults.

When we view behavior through a developmental lens, we begin to see that challenging moments are opportunities for learning, not punishment. This shift in perspective enables children to develop the emotional and cognitive skills necessary for success.

What the Research Shows

Executive functions, the brain-based skills that help us plan, focus, remember, and manage emotions, develop gradually across childhood.

The Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University (2011) compares these abilities to an "air traffic control system" that manages all the brain's incoming and outgoing information. These skills grow through repeated experiences in supportive relationships.

When parents and caregivers respond to stress with warmth and consistency, they help strengthen the brain circuits that support emotional control and problem-solving (Blair & Raver, 2015).

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP, 2018) emphasizes that effective discipline is about teaching, not punishing. Harsh discipline, such as yelling or spanking, can increase aggression and anxiety (Gershoff & Grogan-Kaylor, 2016).

In contrast, calm guidance and predictable routines help children feel safe enough to learn better ways to cope with their emotions.

One effective approach, called Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS), was developed by Dr. Ross Greene, a child psychologist and author of “The Explosive Child”. CPS helps children who feel overwhelmed or have strong reactions when things don’t go their way.

Research shows that it can reduce emotional outbursts and strengthen family relationships by focusing on lagging skills, the developmental abilities children need but haven’t yet mastered, like flexibility, frustration tolerance, and problem-solving, instead of relying on punishment (Ollendick et al., 2015).

These lagging skills help kids manage everyday challenges, from handling changes in routine to waiting their turn. When these abilities are still developing, small frustrations can feel like big obstacles. CPS encourages parents to see these struggles as opportunities to teach skills rather than to discipline behavior.

Recognizing Developmental Differences

Sometimes, what we see as "misbehavior" is a mismatch between adult expectations and a child's developmental abilities.

For example, a 6-year-old who can't sit still during dinner may not yet have the self-control for long stretches of quiet time. A teen who snaps back when frustrated might not yet know how to pause before responding.

Ask yourself:

• Is this expectation realistic for their age? Young children often need shorter time frames and movement breaks.

• Does the behavior worsen when tired, hungry, or stressed? If so, it's likely a regulation issue, not defiance.

• Has the skill been taught and practiced? Kids can't use tools they don't have.

As Dr. Greene explains, “Kids do well if they can”. In other words, when children have the skills to meet expectations, they succeed, and when they don’t, it’s our job to teach those skills.

What Parents and Caregivers Can Do

1.      Name the skill. Focus on what your child is learning, patience, flexibility, or managing frustration.

2.      Connect before correcting. Kids can’t learn when upset. Calm together first.

3.      Start small. Practice short moments, like brief waits or transitions, and celebrate effort.

4.      Work together. Solve problems as a team, listen to what’s hard for your child and share your view.

5.      Set them up for success. Use visuals, routines, and transition warnings to lower stress.

Real-Life Example

Imagine your 8-year-old melting down every morning when it's time to leave for school. Instead of seeing it as "bad behavior," try breaking it down: Is it rushing? Separation anxiety? Transitions? Once you identify the lagging skill, such as time management or emotional regulation, you can practice it in small steps. Over time, you'll see calmer mornings and less conflict.

When to Seek Extra Support

If your child's behaviors are severe and significantly impact their school and friendships, it may be time to seek professional help. Pediatricians and child therapists can provide skill-based support, such as parent coaching, behavioral therapy, or school accommodations. Ask about programs that build emotional regulation rather than relying on punishment.

Bottom Line

Children's "misbehavior" is often a message: I'm struggling and need help.

When adults respond with empathy, guidance, and patience, they build both connection and competence. Children flourish when we recognize that behavior challenges often reflect skills they haven’t mastered yet, not stubbornness.

References

• Blair, C., & Raver, C. C. (2015). School readiness and self-regulation: A developmental psychobiological approach. Annual Review of Psychology, 66, 711–731.

• Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. (2011). Building the Brain's "Air Traffic Control" System: How Early Experiences Shape the Development of Executive Function (Working Paper No. 11).

• Gershoff, E. T., & Grogan-Kaylor, A. (2016). Spanking and child outcomes: Old controversies and new meta-analyses. Journal of Family Psychology, 30(4), 453–469.

• Ollendick, T. H., Greene, R. W., Austin, K. E., Fraire, M. G., Halldorsdottir, T., Allen, K. B., Jarrett, M. A., Lewis, K. M., Whitmore Smith, M., Cunningham, N. R., Noguchi, R. J. P., Canavera, K., & Wolff, J. C. (2015). Parent Management Training (PMT) and Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS): A randomized control trial for oppositional youth. Journal of Clinical Child & Adolescent Psychology, 45(5), 591–604.

• American Academy of Pediatrics. (2018). Effective discipline to raise healthy children. Pediatrics, 142(6), e20183112.

Written by Nicauris Ubiera, LAC

About Nicauris:

Nicauris received her Master’s in Mental Health Counseling from Alliance Graduate School of Counseling at Nyack College. She works with children, adolescents and teens, but also works with families and parents providing tools and communication skills to help the parent understand and help their child cope with the difficult stage they might be going through.