Why Fighting Anxiety Keeps You Stuck—and What Actually Helps
If you feel stuck, overwhelmed, or exhausted from trying to control your anxiety, there’s another way—one that helps you respond with clarity and finally feel at peace.
Many people come into counseling with one clear goal: “I just want the anxiety to go away.” While understandable, this goal often keeps anxiety stronger for longer. The paradox of anxiety is this: the more we try to beat it, the more power it gains.
Healing begins when we shift from control to willingness.
Why Fighting Anxiety Makes It Worse
Anxiety thrives on resistance. When we decide, “I should not feel this way,” or “I can’t handle this,” our nervous system hears danger and escalates the response.
Willingness sounds like:
“It’s okay to feel anxious.”
“I can be uncomfortable and still be safe.”
“This feeling does not define me or control my choices.”
Meditation and mindfulness help us practice sitting with emotions instead of running from them. This is not passivity—it is active acceptance of what is happening in the moment.
What Is Anxiety, Really?
Anxiety is the intersection of worry and stress.
Worry comes from the thinking part of the brain (the frontal lobe). In healthy amounts, it helps us plan and problem-solve. When distorted, it fuels anxiety and depression.
Stress is a physical survival response—fight, flight, or freeze. It prepares the body to escape real danger.
When distorted worry meets chronic stress, anxiety is created. It often feels like a sense of foreboding or dread— “Something bad is going to happen.”
The key question becomes:
Is this anxiety coming from my thoughts, my body, or both?
That awareness alone begins to reduce its intensity.
What Happens in the Body During Anxiety
Anxiety is not “all in your head.” It is deeply physical.
When fight, flight, or freeze activates:
The thinking part of the brain goes offline
Digestion slows, causing stomach upset or reduced appetite
Muscles tighten
Breathing becomes short and shallow
Tunnel vision sets in
The immune system is suppressed
Sleep becomes disrupted, leading to exhaustion or illness
Over time, chronic stress contributes to high blood pressure, heart disease, and other long-term health concerns.
Understanding this helps reduce shame. Your body is not betraying you—it is trying to protect you.
From Perceived Danger to Perceived Safety
Anxiety is rooted in perceived danger, often driven by thoughts about the future—what might happen but is not happening right now. You’ll notice this when sentences begin with “what if”, “I should”, and “Nothing else will work”.
The antidote is perceived safety.
We need to intentionally tell our brain that it is safe. To help your brain feel safe, grounding practices help bring the nervous system back to the present moment:
Take slow, deep breaths
Notice your five senses
Touch something solid
Name three things you can see and describe them
Notice three different sounds and describe their source
These practices signal to the body: I am safe right now.
Building Emotional Muscles
Anxiety shrinks our lives when we hide, numb, or avoid. Growth happens when we stay present with fear long enough for it to calm—or when we set a reasonable amount of time to sit with it. Think of working out: at first, it feels uncomfortable, and you may even feel sore. The more you work out, the more you will be able to endure.
Ways to build tolerance and resilience:
Do one small step each day that gently stretches your comfort zone
Let go of perfectionism
Adopt a growth mindset
Talk openly about mistakes
Ask for support
Practice self-compassion
Let go of the belief, “I can’t handle this.” You already are.
Using the Body to Calm the Mind
Because anxiety lives in the body, body-based coping skills are powerful. Coping skills are not one-size-fits-all. You may need to practice these in low-anxiety moments to feel familiar with the action, so it will not be so overwhelming. You may notice one skill does not help, but the others do. Don’t give up, practice makes progress. There are hundreds of coping skills out there; all you need is to feel comfortable with a few.
Warm baths or heating pads
Cold water on your face
Comforting textures or smells
Drinking something warm slowly
Listening to calming sounds or music
Gentle movement: walking, stretching, breathing while seated
These practices help regulate your nervous system from the bottom up.
Challenging Distorted Thinking
Cognitive distortions often fuel anxiety:
Black-and-white thinking
All-or-nothing thoughts
“Always” and “never” statements
Extreme conclusions
Extreme thinking leads to extreme emotions—anxiety, depression, helplessness. It can make us feel like victims of our circumstances and keep us from taking healthy responsibility.
The goal is not positive thinking but truthful thinking, or, as I learned, “better but believable thought.”
Notice the thought, is it true?
Question it, is it helpful?
Look for a more balanced, accurate perspective. Is there a better way to see this?
Increase tolerance for uncertainty
Just because you think something does not mean it is true.
Choosing a Different Way Forward
Instead of asking, “How do I get rid of anxiety?”
Try asking, “How do I want to feel?”
Safe. Capable. Grounded. Connected. Motivated.
Then ask, “What small action can I take today that moves me in that direction?”
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7).
A Gentle Invitation
If anxiety has been limiting your life, relationships, or faith, you do not have to navigate it alone.
We invite you to:
Schedule a counseling session
Or reach out to learn practical tools for anxiety reduction
If you know of someone who would benefit from this blog, please share.
Anxiety does not disappear by force. It softens when met with awareness, compassion, and courage.
And that kind of healing is possible.
Erica Realpe, MA, LMFT
Helping individuals, couples, and families heal and create better relationships. Erica is available in Midland Park and telehealth. Sessions are available in English and Spanish.Make it stand out
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