What If the Problem Isn’t What You’re Saying—But How You’re Listening?
When listening changes, everything changes—making it easier to understand each other and find common ground.
One of the most important aspects of every marriage is clear communication. While there is verbal and non-verbal communication in all relationships, I’m referring specifically to verbal communication. Both spouses are responsible for how they communicate in their marriage. The husband can control only how he communicates, and the wife can control only how she communicates. Let’s face it, trying to control the way your spouse communicates is futile – taking responsibility for the way you communicate will improve your side of the communication equation and, hopefully, will help your spouse follow suit.
One of the best tools for improving communication is active listening. In active listening, one spouse has the floor and can speak at a time while the other listens. Think of it as one spouse “having the ball” at a time. Let’s say that Mary has the floor while John listens. Mary should only speak one or two sentences at a time. For example, “John, I don’t like it when you come home late and expect me to have dinner ready for you.” This is good; however, Mary can improve her statement by connecting the facts to an emotion so John knows how she feels. For example, “John, when you come home late and expect me to have dinner ready for you, I feel disrespected.” Now John understands the impact that his behavior has on Mary.
Now it’s John’s turn. In active listening, John’s first statement is to repeat or summarize what Mary said. For example, John says, “What I hear you saying, Mary, is that when I come home late and expect you to have dinner ready, you feel disrespected. Did I get that right?” Mary then responds positively to John or repeats what she said until John gets it right. Then it’s John’s turn to respond to Mary. For example, “I’m sorry, Mary. I don’t intend to cause you to feel disrespected. When I’m working late, I’m so focused on my work that I forget about dinner, and I assume that you’ll take care of it.”
Now it’s Mary’s turn to summarize or repeat what John said. “So, what I hear you saying, John, is that you’re sorry and that when you’re working late, you forget about dinner and assume that I’ll handle it. Did I get that right?” John responds positively or repeats himself to make sure that Mary understands what he said. The conversation can then continue back and forth between John and Mary until they feel the issues are resolved. However, if at any time either John or Mary feels the conversation is stuck or they are getting angry, they can call a timeout and take a 10-minute break before resuming the conversation.
In the scenario above, both John and Mary made assumptions about each other. John assumed that Mary would take care of dinner when he was working late, while Mary assumed that John’s expectation that she would have dinner ready was a deliberate act of disrespect toward her. You can see how using active listening slowed down this couple’s communication and allowed both spouses to talk out the situation. What’s next? Now John and Mary can talk about how to avoid this situation in the future. Can John text Mary to let her know that he’s working late? Can Mary ask John to pick up takeout on his way home when he works late? Can John and Mary create a weekly meal plan that lets them plan meals ahead of time?
In summary, active listening allows a couple to navigate emotionally tense conversations by slowing down their communication, allowing each spouse to take turns, and confirming that their spouse understood what was said. When our communication is anchored to the emotion(s) we feel in a particular situation, our communication is more meaningful and allows our spouse to understand us on a deeper level. To help pinpoint the emotions you’re feeling, Google “emotion wheel” or “feelings wheel” and print a color copy of one of the search results. Then spend some time focusing on the situation in your relationship and locate the emotion(s) you’re feeling on the emotion wheel. This will help you communicate the emotions you’re experiencing to your spouse.
Robert has experience helping adults, adolescents, couples, and families, find clarity and meaning. He helps people process their present difficulties in light of the past and how past experiences have impacted them.