When Should I Discuss Sex With my Child?
Most of us agree that our culture is saturated with inappropriate images and distortions of the human body and sex. Often, parents feel uncomfortable and avoid directly discussing sexual character and maturation with their children. Some parents discuss anatomy, puberty, and sex with their sons and daughters in ways that emphasize fear, shame, or that it’s a topic that is hidden and not discussed. When parents step into their leadership role, they become their child’s trusted advisors by using age-appropriate language about anatomy and maturation and equipping their child with accurate knowledge that builds confidence about sexuality and character for life.
Setting the foundation begins as early as age three. Yes, age 3. Parents begin by teaching about love, family, trust, and the goodness of our sexuality.
One of the most helpful resources I use in family therapy is God’s Design for Sex Series, written by Dr. Stan Jones, PsyD, and his wife, Brenna. The authors share with parents the Twelve Principles of Christian Sex Education:
Sex education is the shaping of character; messages reverberate for life
Parents are the principal sex educators; be the person they seek
First messages are the most portent; don’t overreact or punish
Seize those moments as “teachable” and become “askable” parents
Accurate and explicit, not graphic or crude, messages are best
Positive messages are powerful; avoid a list of “don’t do.”
Stories are powerful teaching tools: sexually transmitted diseases and infertility risk
Inoculate your children against destructive beliefs
Repetition is key; sex education is never completed
Remain close, positive, and in a balanced parent-child relationship
Sexuality is not everything; keep perspective
Missteps happen; forgive, heal, redeem, and restore
The series includes four books with suggested ages for introduction to the child: 3-5, 5-8, 8–12, and 12-16. Parents know the right age for each child. I suggest reading along with children up to age 12. The best way to continue being your teen’s trusted advisor is to encourage independent reading, intentionally set aside a quiet time to listen, invite dialogue, and ask questions.
With resources like this series, parents experience calmer, clearer, and more confident communication and connection with their child. When parents are their child’s trusted advisor, sexuality and other topics are discussed because of the honesty and trust created in the family.
Tiffany Elliott, MA, LMFT-A
Helping create, repair and protect healthy marriages, childhoods and families across the lifespan. Tiffany is available in Midland Park, Somerset and telehealth.