Why Your Helping Isn’t Helpful and What To Do About It

Sometimes the help we give is too much help.

When we see the pain and struggles our loved ones are experiencing, we can struggle with standing by and doing nothing. It’s our nature to want to jump in and help. We want them to feel better. We want to feel better.

We have to do something. We’ll do whatever we can to help them.

We help our loved one so much they don’t have to help themselves. Sometimes we want them feeling better more than they want to be better. When this happens, our help isn’t helping. Additionally, we are hurting ourselves.

How do we know when we are helping too much?

People need our help, and we need the help of others. So much happens in people’s lives. Sometimes it’s too much to handle on their own. When the burdens of life overtake us, we need the help of others. We need to be available when the burdens of life overwhelm another.

At times, people need our help, but they don’t want to make changes. They accept our help but won’t work too hard for themselves. We are spending our time, energy, even money in helping our loved one while they watch.

After a while we start to feel uncomfortable emotions. These emotions give us a clue we are helping too much and we need to change.

Here are clues we are helping too much:

Frustration- Frustration occurs when we have a goal for someone and they block our goal. For example, your goal is, “my spouse will stop getting drunk,” or “my child will not ask me for money.” Both goals are blocked by your spouse or child. You start to feel frustrated.

If you are feeling frustrated in helping someone, reflect on why. If your goal is about them, change your goal to be about you.

In the examples above the goal may be: “when my spouse starts getting drunk, I will go to another space,” and “when my child asks me for money, I will gently say no.”

Overwhelmed- You may feel overwhelmed or overstressed as you help more than the person you are trying to help. You are doing the work of at least two people, your own and the other person.  Your stress increases because you are not able to keep up. You worry more, even more than your loved one is worrying about themselves.

Burned out- Eventually we burn out from helping too much. We are going beyond our responsibility and taking on the responsibility of the other person.  Our attitude is negative and resentment builds.

Responsibility- You are feeling more responsible for the other person’s behavior or emotions. They take on less responsibility for themselves. Taking on responsibility that isn’t ours increase worry and stress.

Other emotions you may be feeling are: increased worrying, fatigue, resentment, anger. Whenever you are experiencing uncomfortable emotions reflect to see where they are coming from. If you are helping a loved one more than you need to, take the steps to untangle yourself from too much helping.

What can we do to stop?

We love to help others. When we do, we feel satisfaction, peace and calm. When we are helping but our loved one isn’t, it’s time to pull back a little. Allow your loved one to use their abilities to help themselves.

We can’t change or fix another person. We can make changes to help ourselves and loved ones. We want what is best for them and help them reach their potential. Here’s how:

• Awareness- We really can’t make changes unless we are aware changes need to be made.

• Accept yourself- Now is not the time to “beat yourself up” in helping too much. It is never a good time to put yourself down or condemn yourself.

• Reflect- What is your loved one capable of doing but they are not? What are you doing for them which they can do themselves?

• Responsibility-What is your responsibility in the relationship? What is their responsibility? Make note of them and follow through.

• Talk- Have a discussion with your loved one about what you are discovering about yourself, your thoughts, and what you need to do. Find out what they think and are willing to do.

• Boundaries- Discuss what guidelines or boundaries you both need to have a better relationship.

• Stay consistent- We easily fall back into old habits. Being consistent is necessary.

Following these steps will help you break the habit of helping too much.

We want and need to help one another. We care about our loved ones and people around us. Allow people to do what they are capable of doing. We need to be careful when the help is too much and helping is all the time. Use wisdom when to help or to allow a loved one help themself. They will be grateful, feel more capable, and be stronger. You will feel peace and calm and be encouraged seeing them reach their potential.

Written by: Cindy Picht, LPC, CEO

About Cindy:

Cindy is director and co-founder of Light the Way Counseling. She is a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional and a Certified Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional. She combines her skills with compassion and encouragement to help people find hope and healing.