Part 2: Common Roadblocks to Validation from the Gottman Method
You may remember from last month that according to Dr. John Gottman and the Gottman Institute, “validation is the process of recognizing, affirming, and communicating that your partner's feelings and perspective are real, legitimate, and understandable from their point of view.” When done effectively, it helps a person feel heard and understood, and it builds intimacy.
Most couples don't fight because they don't care. They fight because neither person feels understood. In the Gottman Method, one of the most powerful ways to break that cycle is validation: communicating, "I understand why you feel this way, and it makes sense given your experience."
Notice what validation is not. It isn't agreeing, and it isn't admitting you were wrong. It simply says, "Your feelings make sense to me." So why is it so hard to do? Here are the roadblocks that come up most often.
1. Confusing validation with agreement
This is the big one. Many people think that saying "that makes sense" means conceding the argument. So, they hold back, and their partner hears silence or a rebuttal instead. You can fully understand your partner's experience and still see the situation differently. Validation addresses the feeling. It doesn't settle who is right.
2. Defensiveness
When we feel blamed, we protect ourselves with excuses, countercomplaints, or the classic "yes, but." Defensiveness is one of Gottman's "Four Horsemen" of relationship conflict. It shifts the focus from your partner's feelings to your own, leaving the person who wanted to be heard feeling dismissed.
3. A harsh startup
A conversation that opens with criticism or blame puts the listener on guard from the first sentence. A softer start gives validation a chance: "I feel (emotion) about (specific situation), and I need (something)."
4. Criticism and contempt
Attacking a partner's character, or treating them with disdain, makes validation nearly impossible. Gottman's research identifies contempt as especially damaging to relationships. When contempt is present, understanding has little room to grow.
5. Stonewalling
Sometimes one partner goes quiet or withdraws, often because they are flooded. The other partner then feels unheard and pushes harder, deepening the cycle. Withdrawal usually isn't indifference. The person is often overwhelmed.
6. Jumping to solutions
Most of us want to fix things. But offering a solution before your partner feels understood can come across as "your feelings are a problem to be solved." Understand first. Solve later.
7. Different emotional styles and backgrounds
Some people grew up in homes where they discussed feelings openly. Others grew up in homes where they were avoided or where emotions were loud. A partner who never saw validation modeled may not know how to do it, and a partner with a different style can mistake that for coldness.
8. Old hurts
Unresolved injuries from earlier in the relationship, or from earlier relationships, color how we hear what's said today. The listener may be responding to an old wound rather than to the present moment.
What helps
A few simple habits can make validation easier:
Slow down. If either of you is flooded, pause and come back when you're calm.
Start gently. Describe your own feelings and needs rather than your partner's faults.
Listen before you respond. Reflect back to them what you heard.
Use the bridge phrase. Try "That makes sense, because..." before sharing your own view.
Separate understanding from agreement. You can say "I see why you feel that way" and still have a different opinion.
Validation is a skill, and like any skill, it improves with practice. If you and your partner keep running into the same roadblocks, working with a couple’s therapist can help you build the habit in a safe setting.
Based on the Gottman Method. For more, see John Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Gerard DeMatteo, MA, LPC, CCATP, Prepare/Enrich Trainer, Certified Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional
Gerard has been providing that with compassionate counseling, providing hope and giving encouragement to people who are struggling. For over 20 years as pastoring elder at a local church in New Jersey, Gerard has been teaching, discipling, providing pre-marital and marital counsel, and pastoral counseling to both individuals and groups as well as being a resource to those in his greater church network.