Beyond the Tantrum: Understanding What Your Child Needs Most

There are few parenting situations more intimidating than the dreaded temper tantrum.  One minute, all is well, and then it’s time to leave the park. You’re faced with a passionate keynote presentation on injustice delivered at the highest decibel by a little volcano, complete with crying, screaming, blatant defiance, and attempts at escape. 

 The bad news is that if you’re a parent or caregiver, you will encounter these challenging and exhausting moments.

 The good news is that tantrums are a completely normal part of child development, and you can learn how to handle them helpfully and productively.

 Why do kids have tantrums?

 Clinical Psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy says it’s helpful to think about tantrums this way: kids are born with all of the feelings and none of the skills to manage those feelings. Kids have tantrums when they have big feelings without the skills to handle those feelings. We call the management of feelings, emotion regulation skills, and it’s our job as parents and caregivers to teach kids the skills to handle their feelings. 

 How to deal with tantrums?

 While it’s tempting to want to punish your child for some of the behavior they exhibit during tantrums, ultimately, this likely won’t be helpful. Your child needs support and understanding, not punishment.

 Here are just a few helpful ways to respond when your child has a tantrum:

 First, validate your child’s feelings.

 When you validate a child’s feelings, they are no longer alone with that feeling. Feeling alone with a feeling is sometimes more overwhelming than the feeling itself! When children feel validated, it fosters a sense of safety and trust with their caregivers. When a child is no longer alone with their feelings and knows they can lean on you, it’s a recipe for calming down. 

 Second, keep the boundaries. 

  It is important to remember that feelings are not what dictate boundaries.  Handling tantrums effectively means combining the validation and understanding mentioned above with maintaining boundaries. Parents are allowed to set boundaries and kids are allowed to have feelings about those boundaries.  Dr. Becky Kennedy calls this concept “Two Things are True.”  These exact words can help in difficult moments, like tantrums, when we want to validate our child’s feelings while also maintaining our boundaries. For example, “Two things are true: it’s time to leave the park, and you're allowed to be upset,” or “Two things are true: we aren’t buying a new cereal today, and you really, really want to try it.”

 Third, and this is perhaps the most critical, learn to regulate your own emotions. 

 How can you help your child regulate their emotions if you’re dysregulated yourself?  When a parent becomes emotionally escalated, the situation will intensify. As a parent, notice your own emotions when your child has a tantrum.  Are you feeling angry? Panic? Shame? Then, do your best to pause before reacting.  By acknowledging what’s going on inside of us during this pause, we can more easily shift from reacting to responding. When we are regulated in the face of our child’s dysregulation, they can actually “borrow” our calm. If a parent can remain calm and regulated, the child’s nervous system can settle, and their emotions can stabilize more easily.

Prevention

Helping your child prepare in advance for highly emotional times can reduce the frequency of tantrums.

Here are a few things you can do to help curb tantrums:

First, model healthy responses to big emotions in your own life! 

Children learn so much from just watching us.  It’s okay for them to see you struggle and do hard things.  This is an opportunity for them to see how you respond to that struggle. Show them how to respond to stress calmly and helpfully. Dr. Becky Kennedy even suggests allowing your child to hear you say things like, “Ugh! This is so frustrating, I need to take some deep breaths,” or “This is so hard, I don’t think I can do it. I’m going to take a break and come back to it.”

Next, try to identify some of your child’s triggers. 

What are the situations that might trigger a tantrum in your child? Of course, not all tantrums are avoidable or predictable, but understanding what triggers your child can help you better equip them with emotion regulation skills for that particular situation, and you will be better prepared to step in with support and understanding. 

Third, offer opportunities for choice and control. 

Tantrums are often about feeling out of control, so giving a child some control can help prevent a tantrum before it starts.  This is most effectively done with children by giving options.  For example, “It’s time to go, do you want to wear blue socks or green socks?”  or “We aren’t buying a toy today; do you want me to write the name of it down or take a picture of it so I can remember it for another time?” When offering choices and control, remember to maintain boundaries and offer only choices that align with them.

Conclusion

Tantrums are overwhelming and exhausting, but they don’t have to be dreaded. By learning some ways to respond and prevent tantrums, you can feel more confident and prepared for when they inevitably happen. Every tantrum is an opportunity for parents and caregivers to help children develop the skills they need to regulate their emotions. Remember, progress with tantrums takes time, and not every situation needs to be handled perfectly.  

Jillian Meher, MA, LPC

Jillian uses Feedback Informed Treatment to ensure that her clients are benefiting from the time together and achieving the results they want. One of Jillian's top priorities is for clients to feel empowered and supported on their journeys from surviving to thriving.