Whose Responsibility Is It? The Art of Self-Regulation in Marriage
My husband and I love going to Disney World and watching Disney movies. But every time I hear the phrase, “and they lived happily ever after,” I can’t help but pause.
In the real world, marriage isn't the end of the story—it’s the beginning of an entirely new chapter. It is a commitment to figuring out how to build a life together. It’s one of the wildest rollercoasters you will ever ride, and the most important part? You aren't on it alone. You’ve committed to taking this ride with your spouse, a journey that will, at times, bring out both the absolute best and the absolute worst in you.
As a marriage and family counselor, I meet with many couples who deeply desired that "happily ever after" on their wedding day, yet later found themselves in seasons of deep pain and distress.
When couples first come to my office for therapy, one of the very first things we do is explore what happens when they become dysregulated, mapping out what their unique "pain cycle" looks like.
Curious about the pain cycle? You can read a deep dive on how it impacts couples in this blog post by my colleague.
Look Within: Understanding Your Dysregulation
To bring more peace to your life and your marriage, you have to start with self-awareness. Ask yourself these questions:
Who do you become when you are dysregulated?
What happens to your body and your facial expressions when stress takes over?
What do you do when you are completely overwhelmed by your thoughts and emotions?
What unspoken expectations do you project onto your partner in those moments?
If you already know your answers to these questions, you are in a fantastic position to grow. But if your immediate instinct is to answer these questions for your spouse instead of yourself, it’s time to shift your focus inward. Recognizing what you bring to the table is the ultimate key to navigating the challenges of marriage.
The 4 Survival Reactions: Which One Is Yours?
When emotional dysregulation hits, most people default to one of four primary survival reactions:
Blame: Shifting the fault to your partner to avoid the discomfort of the situation.
Shame: Turning the negativity inward, feeling unworthy or deeply flawed.
Control: Trying to micro-manage your environment or your partner to regain a sense of safety.
Escape: Mentally, emotionally, or physically checking out to avoid conflict.
These aren't just habits you picked up in your marriage; they are survival tools you’ve likely carried your entire life to get through tough times. Your marriage is simply a mirror, reminding you that it might be time to review your survival tool belt and upgrade your skills.
The Ultimate Tool: Practicing Self-Regulation
I love teaching self-regulation at the very beginning of my counseling sessions. Why? Because while most of us have plenty of experience trying to regulate our emotions with another person (co-regulation), we rarely practice doing it on our own.
This brings us back to the title of this post: Whose responsibility is it to help you calm down when you are dysregulated? As adults, the answer is yours. We need to possess at least one, and preferably three, dependable skills to regulate our own nervous systems. Once we can soothe our own bodies, we open the door to advanced relational skills like healthy communication and conflict resolution.
Your Challenge for This Month
Over the next few weeks, I encourage you to identify the tools that help you find calm and actively practice them the moment you feel dysregulated. If you don't know where to start, try these three simple somatic exercises:
The Double-In Breath: Take a short, sharp breath in through your nose, followed immediately by a second, longer sip of air until your lungs feel full. Then, slowly exhale all the air through your mouth. Repeat this three times.
The Stress Ball Toss: Grab a squeezable stress ball. Squeeze it firmly for one minute, then gently throw it up in the air and catch it.
The Paper Rip: Take a piece of plain paper or an old newspaper. Crumble it tightly into a ball and throw it up in the air. Alternatively, slowly rip the paper into small strips, focusing entirely on the grounding sound it makes.
These are just a few ways to reset your nervous system, and you may find other methods that work beautifully for you.
I’d love to hear from you: After actively practicing self-regulation for a month, what changes have you noticed in yourself and your relationship?
Grace Jung Mi Yoon, MA, LAMFT
Helping individuals, couples, and families recognize their strengths and motivate them to change their lives and relationships. Grace is available in Midland Park, Fort Lee, and telehealth. Sessions are available in English and Korean.