Grieving—what is it, and how does one do it?
Grieving is one of those things that everyone goes through but processes differently. Some even refuse to do it at all. To make matters worse, it’s usually for an indeterminate amount of time. So, what are we to do?
One popular model for grief is the Kübler-Ross Five Stages of Grief. Introduced in 1969, the five stages outline the different emotions people experience as they go through loss: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
These stages are typically what people mention, even if they’re unable to name all of them from memory. Somewhere in our past, we’ve learned that this is what grief looks like.
Despite its popularity, the Five Stages of Grief do not perfectly address grieving and loss. More recently, The Ball of Grief by H. Norman Wright has been seen as an improvement on earlier models. But even here, can grief really be as simple as an image illustrates?
So what do we do?
Some shared characteristics we can derive from these models can help us choose actions that support well-mourned grief.
Regression in grieving is really a thing. Sometimes people believe they’re regressing because they feel an emotion they’ve felt before, or because they can’t seem to shake a particular feeling. Grief is emotional, and you don’t get to choose which emotions hit you. What you do choose is how you respond.
Express your emotions appropriately and find healthy ways to do so. How will you express sadness? Or heartache? Or anger?
Remember that emotions aren’t one color. In grieving, you may also experience laughter and celebration. Laughing at a good memory with friends can be a meaningful way to honor and mourn the loss of someone you love.
When celebration begins to emerge alongside sadness, you may find yourself moving forward. Grief doesn’t necessarily have a clear finish line, but it does shift over time.
As a friend to someone who is grieving:
Don’t try to “silver-line” their pain. Saying something like, “At least he left his Mustang in mint condition,” can feel dismissive or like a deflection. Instead…
Show that you truly understand what they’re saying. Don’t just say, “I understand.” Demonstrate it. For example: “I can see how you feel cheated. You only knew him for five years. That feels far too short.”
Encourage them to celebrate as they grieve. Loss is not only about what’s gone, but also about honoring and remembering what was.
I’ll leave you with one final statement popularized by Queen Elizabeth II: “Grief is the price we pay for love.”
About Roy Rim, MA, LMFT
Helping individuals, couples, and families find understanding that leads to the confidence to change. Roy is available in Midland Park and telehealth.