5 Tips to Help Parents and Their Adult Children Improve their Relationship
Many parents struggle in their relationship with their adult children.
The child doesn’t talk as much, or as often, with their parents. They talk less and less about their personal lives. Often, the adult child stops talking altogether with the parents. It is very painful for everyone.
There are reasons for their distance.
The adult child feels the relationship has been too dysfunctional for too long. They want to be their own person and be an adult. They feel disrespected by their parents or have too many hurts and resentments from childhood they can’t overlook anymore. These are only a few reasons for the broken relationship.
Both parents and children have opportunity to rebuild the connections. Our focus today is on parents building, or rebuilding, connections.
Parents spend years of sweat and tears to love their children to the best of their ability. They instill their values and wisdom into the child.
When the time comes for the adult child to be an adult, and make their own decisions, many parents have a challenging time letting go. They want to keep instilling their wisdom and be an influence in their child’s lives, usually without being asked. They still see their adult child as the little one they raised.
We have difficulty with change, especially when it’s not our choice. That’s part of the parenting process. We see the changes in our children, we mourn the loss of childhood and work at embracing their adulthood. For some, this is difficult.
Parents want their children to hold on to the values and beliefs they taught them. Children need to challenge those values and decide what they want for themselves. This can be a heartbreaking time for parents.
What can parents do?
Listen more, talk less
If parents only do one of these tips, this is the one.
We all want to be heard and understood. In raising their children, parents speak into their children’s lives. It’s time for parents to hear what their children are saying. Understand them. As adults, they are becoming their own person. Get to know them, not who you expect them to be.
Treat them with respect
Our words and tone matter.
They may not always deserve respect, but they are your child and need to be valued and respected. Don’t take their drastic changes personally and don’t judge them. Meet them where they are. Hear them and understand. You don’t have to agree with them but arguing won’t change their minds.
See the world through your child’s eyes
This is true at any age.
Your adult children grew up in a different generation than you did. They are influenced by different influences. What influences them? What are their views on life, social topics, faith, parenting? Allow their beliefs to be their beliefs.
Use “I” statements and active listening
When we start a sentence with “you…” the other person will get defensive.
Communicating your thoughts and feelings is important. Starting with “I” helps your adult child hear and listen to you.
Slow down the discussion by reflecting on what you hear them saying. Often, we misunderstand what is being said. Active listening helps us to stay in the moment and not react to what we think we heard.
Take responsibility for your stuff
Own your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
Don’t say, “you made me feel…” Say instead, “I feel ____ when this happens.” Even better is stating your thoughts and feelings in a positive way. For example, “I enjoy when you call me because….” We all respond better with positive statements.
Relationships are hard. As your child grows and matures the changes you see are challenging. As a parent, changes are hard. Allow yourself to mourn the losses of childhood while embracing the new adventures your adult child experiences.
Broken relationships can be healed when both parties are willing to take steps towards one another. New ways of communicating will occur. Hearing and understanding your adult child will bring new closeness for both of you. Appreciate who they are and give them the space needed to keep changing and growing. Remember how you were at their age.
Keep loving them.
Written by: Cindy Picht, LPC, CEO
About Cindy:
Cindy is director and co-founder of Light the Way Counseling. She is a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional and a Certified Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional. She combines her skills with compassion and encouragement to help people find hope and healing.