7 Signs Your Marriage is Fracturing and How to Turn it Around
Many couples come to see us because of trouble communicating with one another. The lack of communication often involves not sharing about hurt feelings, disguising anger, being defensive in discussions. These lead to fractures in a marriage.
Sure, the couple still enjoys one another and have great times together but cracks are starting to show in their relationship. As time goes by and the hurts build up without resolution, the marriage begins to break.
Marriage is so much easier when our partner doesn’t cause us any pain. Unfortunately, that doesn’t always happen and partners do unintentionally hurt one another.
We may even be unaware we have hurt our spouse. Or, when we’ve been hurt, we may not express it to our spouse. Instead, we let it fester inside of us and it comes out in different ways. But clear communication is foundational in a thriving marriage.
To make things better, we need to start by taking time for self-awareness and reflection and then talk to our spouse about the hurt we are feeling and why. It’s also important to respond well to our partner when they approach us with their hurt. Both people need to feel loved and safe for the discussions to go well.
As we do the hard work to become more aware of the state of our marriage and ourselves, we can take the steps to help make the marriage vibrant and thriving. Does your marriage show any of these signs?
7 signs of a fractured marriage and how to turn it around:
Sign #1: Not telling your partner of relational hurts - Hurts happen in relationships. Sometimes we can let it go, sometimes we can’t. When we can’t, we need to talk about it.
Turn-it-around Tip: Awareness of our hurts, and communicating our hurt to our partner, is key in a loving, trusting relationship. In other words, we need to become vulnerable as we honestly express our hurt. Vulnerability is not being guarded, using anger, or other communication styles to cause defensiveness in our partners. It’s being real with one another.
Sign #2: Shutting down when your partner needs to talk - Shutting down when our partner needs to talk gives the message their needs don’t matter. The partner will feel even more hurt and the relationship worsens.
Turn-it-around Tip: Moving towards a thriving marriage means turning towards your partner, listen and engage in the discussion, rather than shutting down. This will help your partner feel loved and able to be open.
Sign #3: Being defensive when your partner is hurt – Listening to your spouse express their hurt from something you have said or done can cause us to react in defensiveness. Defensiveness stops vulnerable conversations and deeper connections from occurring.
Turn-it-around Tip: We often think about what we want to say before our partner is done expressing themself. When your partner is expressing hurt, stop and listen. Reflect back to them what you hear them say and acknowledge their hurt. We want to be heard and understood. Understanding each other in marriage will deepen the relationship.
Sign #4: Criticism of your partner’s personality -Criticizing our partner’s character or personality doesn’t resolve problems. Their personality isn’t the issue. Behaviors, actions and words are creating the problems. A person can’t change their personality but can change their tone and words and change behaviors.
Turn-it-around Tip: Address the words and actions, not the person. Criticism is a way not to be vulnerable, and it keeps the other person guarded. If we criticize our spouse’s personality instead of being vulnerable about how what they do affects us, both sides stay guarded and angry. That happens too long, and the cracks in the marriage will really start to show.
Sign #5: Lecturing your partner about present and past shortcomings - Sometimes we have unresolved hurts boiling inside, and then a new hurt occurs. Instead of talking about the most recent hurt, we start to lecture our partner about everything else they’ve done wrong, including the most recent grievance. Things don’t get resolved, and the resentments and bitterness fester.
Turn-it-around Tip: Stick with one problem at a time. Don’t try to resolve everything at once or bring past hurts into the present discussion. Work on the resentment you’re feeling on your own, and if necessary, talk about it later once things have cooled down.
Sign #6: Expressing “insight” into your partner’s feelings, motives and behaviors - We love to try to mind read. Unfortunately, we can’t. When we tell our partner what we think they are doing or feeling and why, it doesn’t go well and leads to hurt feelings and more conflict.
Turn-it-around Tip: We need to first, check our own thinking, feelings, and motives before we check on the other person and invite them to do the same. Get curious. Allow them to express their own feelings and motives. The more comfortable we learn to be in these discussions, the more honest we can be with our partner.
Sign #7: Using sarcasm, mimicking, or cutting humor with your partner - Sarcasm is a form of anger. We use sarcasm, mimicking, cutting humor when we are angry but not expressing it directly and honestly. It’s a tell-tale sign we feel guarded and aren’t comfortable in being open and honest with our partner.
Turn-it-around Tip: If our spouse is being sarcastic with us, don’t respond in kind. Instead, we can learn to see it for what it is—that someone we love is hurting but doesn’t feel safe to really share what’s going on. When we do that, we can move to create safety and resolve the real problem at hand.
Both self-awareness and awareness of your marriage can help turn your marriage into the vibrant, thriving marriage you want. At any sign of fractures in your marriage, it is okay to have a neutral person, spiritual advisor, or a therapist help you communicate better. When you do, it can help turn things around.
If your marriage is headed in the wrong direction, there is hope. As you learn to clearly communicate in honesty and calmness, your connection with your spouse will improve and your marriage will thrive.
Written by Cindy Picht, LPC, CEO and Stephen Dorsey, LMFT
About Stephen:
Stephen has many years of experience in marriage counseling and mentoring at a local church, where he is an elder. He has been with Light the Way since 2013, and helps couples rekindle the love that brought them together in the first place.
About Cindy:
Cindy is director and co-founder of Light the Way Counseling. She is a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional and a Certified Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional. She combines her skills with compassion and encouragement to help people find hope and healing.