6 Signs of a Distressed Marriage and How to Turn it Around
When you are aware of the state of your marriage, you can take steps to make it better.
Time passes quickly. It seems like only yesterday we pledged our love for one another. Life happens, we get busy with the “tyranny of the urgent”. Who has time to stop, reflect and be aware of the health of the marriage?
Taking time to be aware of the state of the marriage is necessary to keep the marriage vibrant and healthy. By being aware of what is happening in the marriage, we can do the work to make it better. It takes work, but it is worth it to have a loving relationship.
We are going to discuss 3 different states marriages fall into- healthy, compromised and distressed. We’ll show signs to be aware of in each state and the steps to a healthy, loving, vibrant marriage. Today we start in the most uncomfortable place, the distressed marriage. Although it may appear hopeless, there is hope in a distressed marriage.
6 signs of a distressed, unhealthy marriage and what to do about it:
1. Lying to your partner- This is an early, clear sign the marriage is in trouble. The red flags go up when we, or our partner, lie on matters of importance. When we start to lie, it means we are doing something that isn’t good for our partner or relationship. Stop and think about why are there lies? Why do we feel we can’t be honest, especially if it’s important? Be honest with yourself. Have a trusted friend or spiritual advisor to help explore the reasons for lying. Tell your spouse. It may help the discussion to bring in a neutral person to facilitate. Lying breaks trust in the relationship. Trust is necessary for emotional intimacy and building a thriving marriage.
2. Severe putdowns and insults- Words matter. We emotionally tear apart our spouse with putdowns and insults. We say we are sorry, and move on, but they can’t. It hurts. As the insults and putdowns continue, it erodes the marriage. Putting down or insulting others reveal a deeper problem in ourselves, not our partners. Self-awareness is the first step. The next step is getting help from a trusted person. The helping person needs to be honest with the verbally abusive spouse. In this state, hope in the marriage looks bleak, but can be turned into a thriving marriage with help in communicating, boundaries and working through deeper issues.
3. Threats of separation and divorce-If we are not aware the state our marriage is in, the insults rise to threats of leaving or divorcing our spouse. We emotionally break our spouse as we threaten to leave or divorce them. At some point a separation or divorce become a reality. Good news, it doesn’t need to go there. At this level a couple needs a trained marriage therapist, experienced in working with distressed and conflicted couples, to help navigate the pain that has brought them to this point. At Light the Way, we have several Marriage and Family Therapists to help couples, on the brink of divorce, turn their marriage into a loving one. It’s hard work by the couple, but hope is instilled and a thriving marriage is possible.
4. Throwing objects and destroying property-As emotions increase, hurts remain unresolved, and we remain unaware of the state of the marriage, destructiveness escalates. The couple needs space from each other at this time, have positive support and get professional help. A therapist is needed to help develop a plan, provide resources, work towards solutions, and delve into the individual and relationship root issues. With both partners wanting a vibrant marriage, there is hope. Even if one spouse gets professional help it may turn the relationship around.
5. Threatening physical harm-There are many warning signs showing us our relationship is in trouble. With work and help, there is hope. When someone is threatening physical harm, hope diminishes. If the partners have not sought professional help by this point, now is definitely the time to seek it. Developing a safety plan to decrease potential harm and the support of people are needed. Individual therapy is recommended Couples Therapy is needed only when it is safe for the individuals. Our Marriage and Family Therapists, as well as our Licensed Counselors, are available to answers questions, be a resource, and provide individual and marriage therapy.
6. Grabbing, shoving, hitting-This is the most visible evidence the marriage is in major trouble. We think of physical actions when we think of domestic violence. Domestic violence, or abuse, started before the physical actions occurred. Separation is necessary. A safety plan is necessary. Having a good support system is important. Therapy is essential. If people want to do the hard work of changing, change can occur. The change needs to be a heart change, not apologies or gifts, but a deep heart and mind transformation. Being aware of our actions is the first step. Taking responsibility for our actions, our words, and our thoughts are necessary. Turning the relationship around to a loving relationship can happen. Please call us and we can direct you to the best therapist for you.
A distressed marriage is in need of honest support and help from others. There is hope for change when we are aware of the state of our marriage and take the steps to improve it in the early stages of distress. When we are aware of ourselves, our marriage, and take responsibility, there is hope and healing.
Written by Cindy Picht, LPC, CEO and Stephen Dorsey, LMFT
** Note: if you or a loved one are dealing with domestic violence, please seek help today. Visit THIS LINK for a list of Domestic Violence Emergency Resources in New Jersey.
About Stephen:
Stephen has many years of experience in marriage counseling and mentoring at a local church, where he is an elder. He has been with Light the Way since 2013, and helps couples rekindle the love that brought them together in the first place.
About Cindy:
Cindy is director and co-founder of Light the Way Counseling. She is a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional and a Certified Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional. She combines her skills with compassion and encouragement to help people find hope and healing.