Healing Wounds
All of us have been wounded in some way. Many wounds occur during childhood - a coarse word spoken by a parent, humiliation by someone you called a friend, a teacher or coach who was critical of your performance. These are just some examples of events that could incur a wound. Certainly, deeper wounds can occur in cases of trauma such as a car accident, witnessing a violent act, domestic violence or cases of emotional, sexual or physical abuse. Wounds can cause us to protect ourselves from further wounding. We may attempt to avoid the person or the situation that wounded us but that’s not always possible.
The process of healing wounds starts with discovering the wound or wounds that occurred in one’s past. Sometimes journaling helps to process memories of the past. It may be helpful to talk to a sibling or a trusted friend who may be familiar with the situation when the wound occurred. Looking at family photos or home videos may trigger one’s memory of past wounds. However, in our effort to protect ourselves from further wounding, the mind may keep the memory of the wound hidden. Ultimately, prayer is one of the best ways to bring to mind the wounds of one’s past.
Step 1 - Addressing bitterness, anger and hatred
Once the wound has been revealed, healing the wound begins with addressing the bitterness, anger and hatred toward the person or persons who inflicted the wound. This may be a difficult step especially in cases of abuse. It may take time to be ready to deal with the bitterness, anger and hatred toward the person who was so hurtful and caused so much pain and damage. Don’t rush through this step. Be patient with yourself. Show yourself some grace. If you’re not ready then give yourself some time to regroup and come back to it later. Likewise, rationalizing is not helpful. It may be true that other people experienced worse things than you but that doesn’t make the pain of the wound you experienced go away. You matter and what you experienced also matters. It’s important to seek healing for the wound no matter how “minor” it may seem to other people.
The process of addressing the bitterness, anger and hatred you have held onto toward the person who inflicted the wound begins with repentance. Repentance is a process of being genuinely sorry for the thoughts, words and attitudes you held onto toward the person who inflicted the wound and being ready for change. Repenting is literally “doing a 180” - turning away from bitterness, anger and hatred toward healing. In order to protect yourself, you may have held onto bitterness, anger and hatred toward the person who hurt you for years, maybe even decades. It’s time to let it go, but first you must take responsibility for holding onto bitterness, anger and hatred toward that person by repenting of engaging in those corrosive thoughts and attitudes. Begin by saying, “I repent of harboring bitterness, anger and hatred toward (name the person or people).”
Step 2 - Receive forgiveness for harboring bitterness, anger and hatred
Harboring bitterness, anger and hatred creates an area of hurt and negative emotions that we hold onto and it can be a place of solace that helps us deal with other events that hurt us as well. This place of solace helps us to justify the repetition of harboring bitterness, anger and hatred toward other people who hurt us. In other words, harboring bitterness, anger and hatred toward others becomes a habit, an easy way to categorize and deal with others who hurt us but this behavior creates resistance toward dealing with the actual problem. To receive forgiveness, simply say, “I ask for forgiveness for harboring bitterness, anger and hatred toward (name the person or people).”
Step 3 - Forgive yourself for harboring bitterness, anger and hatred
The act of forgiving yourself for harboring bitterness, anger and hatred may seem trivial or unnecessary. You may think that it was a “normal response” to the pain you experienced and that may be true, however, that response also caused you to hold onto the pain and created an unhealthy behavior. Forgiving yourself is an act of acceptance that harboring bitterness, anger and hatred was intended to retaliate toward the person who hurt you but, in reality, it only perpetuated the hurt you felt. Forgiving yourself is simply stated as: “I forgive myself for harboring bitterness, anger and hatred toward (name the person).”
Step 4 - Renounce harboring bitterness, anger and hatred
The act of renouncing harboring bitterness, anger and hatred is an act of defiance against the unhealthy focus on bitterness, anger and hatred toward the person who hurt you and the habit that was created in dealing with others who hurt you. By renouncing harboring bitterness, anger and hatred, you are stating, “I no longer associate myself with harboring bitterness, anger and hatred toward the person who hurt me and from this day forward I will focus on healing and on building healthy relationships with people who are trustworthy.” The act of renouncing harboring bitterness, anger and hatred is done by saying: “I renounce harboring bitterness, anger and hatred toward (name the person).”
Step 5 - Forgive the person who hurt you
This may be the most difficult step in the process of healing wounds because there is so much raw emotion around the circumstances surrounding the relationship you had (or have) with the person who hurt you. It’s very important to remember the following:
Forgiving the person who hurt you does not involve speaking to or confronting the person who hurt you.
Forgiving the person who hurt you is not an act of reconciliation. Forgiveness and reconciliation (reconnecting with the person who hurt you) are two separate things.
Forgiving the person who hurt you is not forgetting about the wound. The situation that caused the wound was real, it happened and it was painful.
Forgiving the person who hurt you is personal and private. This step is for you and only you as a step toward healing the wound.
Forgiving the person who hurt you frees you from the burden of holding a grudge against that person. Once you have forgiven the person who hurt you, there’s no need to hold them responsible for the hurt they caused you any longer.
Think of harboring bitterness, anger and hatred toward the person who hurt you as an anchor in your heart holding onto negative emotions toward that person. Forgiving that person was impossible while the anchor against them stayed in your heart. Now that you have released bitterness, anger and hatred toward the person who hurt you, you are able to set your heart free by forgiving that person. Again, forgiving the person who hurt you is for you, not for them. Also, by forgiving the person who hurt you, you are not denying the fact that the wound really happened or that it mattered. Forgiving the person who hurt you is a way of releasing that person from your grasp. You can forgive the person who inflicted the wound by saying, “I forgive (name the person) from my heart and I release them.”
Closing thoughts...
In closing, while the process of healing wounds can be done on your own, it’s best to join with a counselor, pastor or close friend to walk with you through the process of healing wounds. Hearing someone else tell you that the wound you experienced is important and that your hurt feelings matter is both validating and provides a platform for healing in community with others.
While this brief article provides one framework for the process of healing wounds, there is much more detail in the following books which you may find helpful. Each of the books below deal with healing wounds as well as other related issues that impact one’s emotional health.
Reimer, R. (2016). Soul care: Seven transformational principles for a healthy soul. Carpenter's Son Publishing.
Specifically for men:
Eldredge, J. (2021). Wild at heart expanded Ed: Discovering the secret of a man's soul. Thomas Nelson Publishers.
Specifically for women:
Eldredge, J., Eldredge, S. (2021). Captivating expanded edition: Unveiling the mystery of a woman's soul. Thomas Nelson Publishers.
Written by Robert Kaphan, MA, LAMFT
About Robert:
Robert has experience helping adults, adolescents, couples, and families, find clarity and meaning. He helps people process their present difficulties in light of the past and how past experiences have impacted them.