Why Do We Argue? (Part 2: the Peace Cycle)
Welcome back to Part two of our two-part series on why we argue with our partners. Our fictional clients Martha and Jim have identified the dance between them as the “Anger Waltz”. They recognize that their feelings and behavior affect each other in a way that puts distance between them when they are seeking connection with each other instead.
Session Two:
When Martha and Jim return, we discuss the Peace Cycle.
I begin, “Think about how you feel when you’re at the top of your game – like when you received a raise, or a promotion, or on your wedding day”.
Martha ponders, “I’m thinking of when we got engaged. I felt loved, special, and valuable.”
And you, Jim? “I’m thinking of that day as well. I felt valued, connected, and wanted.”
Those are the truths of who you really are. Now, Martha, how do you act when you feel that way?
“I’m relaxed, and hopeful, loving and nurturing.”
Jim adds, “I know I am more supportive, engaging, and open.”
Now we will talk about how to move from the pain cycle to the peace cycle.
There are four action steps:
One of the functions of our brain is to keep us safe. When we perceive threat, our amygdala takes over and responds to the perceived threat by causing us to freeze, to flee from, or to fight what is threatening our safety. During this time, 100% of our attention is focused on these tasks. We cannot think until the perceived threat is removed. Jim perceives Martha’s anger as a threat and responds by wanting to flee.
STEP ONE: When we can recognize the initial cues that anger is rising, that’s the time to call for a time-out. “Hey, I feel our Anger Waltz starting up”. This is the time to disengage and go to separate rooms for a while.
Box Breathing is a technique that helps calm the amygdala, reassuring our brain that the threat is manageable. There are three parts to box breathing. (think 4 – 5 - 6 ). First, breathe in deeply to the count of four, then hold your breath for five counts, then slowly let out your breath for six counts. Repeat this for about seven minutes, or until you calm yourself.
STEP TWO: Once you are calm, then ask yourself, “Who do I want to be toward the person I love?” Consider how you feel when you are at the top of your game, being your best self. How do you act when you are in the Peace Cycle?
STEP THREE: Consider what you know to be true. Think about the character of your partner, how you felt about them when you first met. Consider what their intentions might have been, that they may not have been intentionally trying to hurt you. Envision the situation from their point of view.
STEP FOUR: When you are both calm and ready to talk to each other, when you are fully ready to engage in a kind and loving way, come back together to discuss the issue with love and respect.
Discuss the issue by each taking a turn to explain your side of the story. This means active listening, where you listen with the goal of understanding your partner. In other words, avoid the urge to prepare your response.
So why do we argue?
At the root of these relational dances is a reaching out for a secure attachment with our partner. When our partner reaches for us, and we turn toward them, we feel connected, close, and wanted. When our partner turns away, however, we can feel rejected, and dismissed. Couples therapy is about learning to listen to the heart of our partner’s need for connection and learning to respond to their need for secure attachment.
Written by: Tamara O’Shea, MA, LAMFT