Rekindling Romance: Tips to Avoid the Roommate Rut in Marriage
Sometimes in marriage, couples love each other but don't always act like it. The routine of life—kids, work, extracurricular activities, church, and extended family—can push the marriage relationship into the background. Couples often complain that they feel more like roommates.
While this is common, it doesn't have to stay that way, and it's not healthy for the marriage. Marriage takes work, and this is one area that requires continuous effort. When left unaddressed for too long, routine stressors, and conflicts can impact the relationship more severely than if the couple were more intimate and connected.
Here are some tips to get out of the roommate rut:
Use Fondness and Admiration to Flirt: Send playful texts. When you think about your spouse throughout the day in a positive way you are more likely to be more excited to see them, be more fond of them and even be more flirtatious with them. Send text describing what you enjoy about your spouse physically, intellectually, and personality-wise. Tell them in person randomly when you are together.
Be More Playful: Play games and challenge each other. A simple deck of cards can do the trick. Bring humor into your interactions. Laugh with each other more as long as it is not at the expense of the other person.
Plan Time to Spend Together: If it’s not planned, it won’t magically happen. Prioritizing time together ensures you make time. It won't always work out as planned, but don't give up; keep trying, and it will become easier.
Be Intentional with Your Time Together: Focus on quality over quantity. Life doesn't always allow for hours of uninterrupted time, so when you do have time together, be intentional. Decide what topics are off-limits, and whether running errands together is okay. Finally, have a list of activities you enjoy so no time is wasted.
Be Creative: Quality time doesn’t have to cost a dime. A carefully planned, intentional night by the fire or candlelight, reminiscing about wonderful memories, can be just as meaningful. Creativity can allow you to stay within your budget while creating a romantic atmosphere.
So how do you start, I encourage couples to first express their desire to feel more connected. Avoid assigning blame and acknowledge that life and routine may have interfered. By sharing this desire, both partners can commit to working on the marriage. Then make a commitment to change your own mindset to be more aware of thinking about your spouse. Have discussions often about your goals to connect more and plan on implementing some of these tips. Finally check in once in a while to see how satisfied your spouse is and what adjustments are needed to be made.
These tips can be beneficial for couples who feel disconnected. For couples recovering from an affair or who argue frequently, these tips may only provide temporary relief and might require more attention. Regardless of your marriage's stage—whether for enrichment or repairing severe hurts—Light The Way has trained Marriage and Family Therapists ready to help.
About Erica Realpe, MA LMFT
Helping individuals, couples, and families heal and create better relationships. Erica is available in Midland Park and telehealth. Sessions are available in English and Spanish.