Sweetness in Chaos

The time for our YouTube Live was fast approaching. As the clock said noon, Grace was poised and ready. We went live—well, maybe. Something went wrong. We went live, but not what we expected. Grace was live with her presentation, “Sweetness in Chaos.” How appropriate! She demonstrated it when we did get on air. Click here to watch her video.

Grace’s video focused on the holiday season, yet her suggestions are valid at any time of the year. Whether we are hosting gatherings for holidays, birthdays, or anniversaries, or living life, we can feel stressed by the time, the people, or the finances.

How can we cultivate sweetness in our lives despite our busy schedules?

Is it possible to maintain a positive outlook while meeting our obligations?

Our first step is to take time to recognize the thoughts and emotions that result in our actions.

We use a cognitive model in therapy. First, we have the situation, the stressor. Our emotions and thoughts occur in response to the situation, resulting in our behavior.

For example, you notice you are yelling more often or impatient with your children during more stressful times.

We recognize the situation and the stressor and then identify the thoughts and emotions in reaction to the stressor. Be aware of the behavior that results from the situation, thoughts, and feelings.

Express what you have learned with your family or friends in a way that can create love and kindness rather than blaming or attacking. Recognize and express what is going on in you. “I feel ______ when ______. What I need is _______.”

Try to summarize your thoughts and emotions in one or two sentences, starting each sentence with "I."

After we recognize our thoughts, emotions, and actions and express what we need to the ones we love, we can also own up to our actions and make peace with others.

For example, after yelling at your child, you can say, “Hey, honey, I am sorry I yelled at you earlier. I asked you to clean the room because we have guests coming tonight, and I felt ignored and unheard when the room was still a mess. I need help getting the house ready. Could you give me a hand?”

Ask for help and support.

It’s OK to ask for help and support. However, without telling them, we can’t assume someone “should know” what we want or need.

Communicate

Communicating our need for help is as important as asking for it. If we blame or accuse, we won’t get the response we want. Remember to use sentences starting with I and keep the request short.

There are two critical factors when you ask for help.

1. You might expect how the help you need will look. It is essential to communicate how you would like others to help you.

2. Even though you communicated guidelines and expectations, help might look different and messy. Remain open to receiving support from others and be okay with not being in control of the situation.

The last tool is to express gratitude and create a time to share thankfulness.

Gratitude and thankfulness are good to share at any time. Tell your spouse or children what you are thankful for, and create a time to reflect on this year.

In summary:

1. Recognize your thoughts and emotions that are showing through your actions

2. Express what is going on in you.

“I feel __ when __.What I need is ____.”

3. Take ownership of your actions and make peace with others.

4. Ask for help and support.

5. Express and share gratitude.

6. Take care of yourself.

7. Share the goodness you have gained with others.

We hear the word self-care a lot these days, and these are some tools to increase self-care in our lives as we continue to build relationships with others.

As you practice these steps, I hope you can see yourself as a catalyst for your family and friends to create and offer a new way of approaching life that can bring warmth and sweetness even if our situation has not changed much.

In what ways will you bring sweetness into the chaos?

By Grace Yoon, LAMFT

Helping individuals, couples, and families recognize their strengths and motivate them to change their lives and relationships. Grace is available in Midland Park, Fort Lee, and telehealth. Sessions are available in English and Korean.