Overcoming Resentment in Relationships
If you are in a relationship and feeling distant from your partner, I encourage you to seek counseling soon before negative sentiment override sets in. Psychologist Robert Weiss coined the term “Negative Sentiment Override” for the emergence of troubling patterns where trust is broken in relationships. Negative sentiment override can creep in slowly without you being aware of it. How can you recognize it? If you are beginning to find your partner’s conversation boring, or self-focused, and you are feeling unheard, or disregarded, it may be creeping in. Your partner may be preoccupied and unaware that you are pulling away from them emotionally.
Where you initially see the full scope of your partner’s personality, that scope can narrow to begin to view them negatively, and from that, disdain for them can develop, which if neglected, can grow into contempt for your partner. This is a danger zone because, according to Dr. John Gottman, it implies superiority toward your partner, in defense of feeling neglected.
How can you bring the relationship back to where you feel loved and connected to your partner again?
It can begin by recognizing the attitude of negativity in your heart toward your partner. If this is what you are experiencing, I encourage you to consider some steps that you can take:
• Thoughtfully consider your partner’s good qualities. What attracted you to them initially? What were the early days like when you were falling in love? Bring this to the forefront and widen the lens through which you view your partner.
• Then, consider why there is a lack of connection – is it actually directed at you or is it just a busy season workwise for your partner?
• Make gentle bids for connection – Suggest a time that you can be together in a light, easy way – like sharing a movie on the couch.
• Let them know that you miss them.
• Make a conscious effort to do one kind thing for your partner every day. This will serve to soften your heart with the added benefit of having your partner turn toward you in recognition of your kindness toward them. It might be as simple as preparing lunch for them if they are in a rush to get to work or bringing flowers home for no reason other than to please them.
• If you want to be loved, be lovable: Be aware of the expression you have on your face; when you are in contempt of another, it shows. And our partner feels it. And it perpetuates the avoidance.
• Be curious about your partner – we feel heard and respected when someone shows interest in our thoughts and ideas; show that same interest and respect to your partner.
I would encourage you to take the quiz from the Gottman Institute to assess the health of your relationship, below. If you find you could use some help in your relationship, please consider counseling – individually or as a couple.
About Tamara O’Shea, MAT, LAMFT
Helping individuals and couples feel whole and connected to those they love. Tamara is available in Midland Park, Bloomfield, and telehealth