Understanding Anger: Expressing Our Anger Can Help Our Relationship
The Bible has much to say about anger: “…everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God” (James 1: 19-20).
And yet anger is a natural emotion that arises when things don’t go how we want or when our needs are unmet. Anger can rise up in us quickly, and we react in ways that we often later regret.
It’s how we express our anger, though, that makes a world of difference in how we accomplish our goals.
Ronald T. and Patricia S. Potter-Efron have identified eleven of the most common anger styles in their book, “Letting Go of Anger.” They discuss passive-aggressive anger to explosive styles, none of which get our needs met or accomplish our goals.
Anger is experienced physically, emotionally, behaviorally, and spiritually:
Physically, anger is a stress response that activates our amygdala to protect us, causing our heart to race, our chest to feel tightened, and our hands to wring, among other physical responses.
Emotionally, anger is the outward expression of underlying emotions, such as being frustrated, embarrassed, overwhelmed, nervous, and disappointed, to name a few emotions we may not be aware of.
Behaviorally, anger can cause us to scream at others, lash out at people, kick chairs, and act in ways that we may later regret.
Spiritually, anger, if mishandled, can separate us from the peace of God, leaving us feeling abandoned and alone.
It’s not so much about what happens to us but how we think about or interpret what is happening to us that gets us in trouble.
So how do we manage our anger in an acceptable way so that we don’t hurt or push people away?
Step One: We need to recognize that anger starts with some form of pain (emotional pain, exhaustion, or rejection) that we want to eliminate.
Step Two: We need to recognize our trigger thoughts – what we may be assuming or how we may be interpreting a situation that is leaving us feeling victimized or hurt by others. It’s not what actually happens to us that we react to but the assumptions that we make.
Step Three: Begin to log our anger reactions – what precipitates the feeling? What was the initial pain or stress? What was our automatic negative thought about the situation?
Step Four: Sometimes, we feel that we are at the mercy of our emotions. However, we have a choice about how we react. We need first to calm down.
Do deep breathing – from your diaphragm – breathe in and count to 4 – then hold your breath for 5 counts, and then slowly release your breath to the count of 6. Do this over and over until you feel the physical responses calming down. You are calming your amygdala, letting your brain know that there is no threat and that you are safe. Now that you have calmed your emotional brain, you can now begin to use your rational brain (prefrontal cortex). Now you can respond rationally to the situation rather than react emotionally.
Step Five: Challenge the assumptions that you may be making. Try to see the situation from the other person’s perspective (practice empathy). Ask yourself, “Whom do I want to be?”
Step Six: Speak or respond (rather than react) to get your needs met. Dr. Marshall Rosenberg describes a four-step process to find common ground and get our needs met in a gracious manner in his book, ‘Nonviolent Communication.’
Express what you observe, free of judgment.
Then say how the situation makes you feel.
Then express what you need.
Then, make a specific request.
For example, “Johnny, leaving your dirty dishes in the sink makes me feel disrespected. I need the space that we share to be kept clean. Would you consider either putting your dishes in the dishwasher or cleaning them, please?”
Learning to manage your anger can be empowering in that your needs can be met in a calm and gracious way. If you get caught off guard, you can take a brief time out from the situation to calm yourself down before reacting and returning to respond to the situation peacefully.
Written by: Tamara O’Shea
