False Guilt Holds Us Back from Healthy Relationships
There’s a difference between true and false guilt. Often, we don’t recognize the difference. When we don’t recognize false guilt, we treat it like it’s true. We believe we have done harm and we beat ourselves up. We put extra pressure on ourselves. We aren’t always sure what to do and how to fix it.
When we recognize what is true or false, we feel better faster and resolve conflicts sooner. The heaviness on our shoulders is lifted and we feel lighter. We have a clearer picture of what we need to do.
What is Guilt?
Guilt means we have committed an offense or crime. We have hurt someone. We have broken a rule or standard set by ourselves, society, or God.
Feeling guilty is good and normal. When we do something wrong, we naturally feel bad. It’s uncomfortable so we figure out a way not to feel bad. Being motivated to change our behavior is a healthy way to not feel bad.
Making amends, apologizing, and repairing the relationship is a healthy approach to feeling better.
Sometimes we feel guilty when we haven’t hurt or harmed someone This is false guilt. We don’t have to feel guilty.
It’s actually really helpful to not feel guilty about what we did or said if it wasn’t wrong and harmful
Differences in True and False Guilt and What to Do About It.
Here are a couple of examples to help see the differences in false and true guilt. How we handle each is different. It helps our emotional and relational health in knowing the differences.
A couple gets into an argument. They are yelling at each other, and hurtful words are volleyed around. The husband leaves to go cool off. The wife cries, feeling abandoned. When he returns home, she tells him how she felt. They both feel awful.
What was true and what was false guilt?
True guilt is when we have hurt someone or compromised our core values, or standards, we live by. They both hurled hurtful words at each other. Yelling may also be wrong depending on their standards.
False guilt is feeling bad about something not in our control. For instance, the wife’s feelings were not in the husband’s control. His motivation was not to abandon her but to help deescalate the fight. Her feelings of abandonment were her feelings.
If the husband left the house knowing she would feel abandoned, it is true guilt. He could have gone to another room or said he needed time to cool off.
False guilt happens when we try to live up to other’s expectations or standards. If this couple had unrealistic, unexpressed expectations or standards they assumed the other should not have said or done those things.
False guilt can result from the fear of the other person’s disapproval. When the wife expressed how she felt she may also have expressed disapproval of him. He, in turn, felt guilty about her disapproval.
The couple was able to discuss their fight and share their perspectives on what happened. They recognized false guilt and let it go. They worked at repairing their relationship, changing behaviors, owning their feelings and forgiving as they recognized where they did harm each other. They have a deeper understanding of the other. Communication improves.
Another example:
My hairdresser was 20 minutes late for our appointment because she had two detours and got caught behind an accident on her way to her salon. Of course, she felt awful and was very apologetic. Because it was out of her control, she did not have to feel guilty.
What was true and false guilt in this situation?
Remember: Just because we feel bad doesn’t mean we feel guilty or are guilty.
She felt bad and apologized but the situation was out of her control. If she felt guilty, or if she felt it was her fault for being late, it would be false guilt. What happened wasn’t her fault.
If I was angry for her being late and she felt guilty about my anger, believe or not, she would be feeling false guilt. She’s not responsible for my anger. Feeling guilty over my disapproval or not living up to my expectations is false guilt.
For the record, I wasn’t angry, I understood it was out of her control. We quickly forgot about it and we had a great time catching up on our families and summer events.
What do you do with false guilt?
True guilt will motivate us to change our behavior and repair the relationship.
But what do we do with false guilt? Here are 5 actions you can take if you struggle with false guilt.
When we realize it’s false, we can release ourselves from feelings of guilt. Write it down or say it to yourself.
If you feel bad, check in with yourself and find out why. Is it expectations, fear of disapproval, living up to someone else’s standards? If it’s any of these, or other reasons, you want to challenge your thinking. Write down the thoughts and ask yourself, “what is the truth?”. Write it down. You can reframe the statement into a positive statement and write it down.
Maybe you feel bad because you expect yourself to be perfect. We can’t cure perfectionism right now but suffice it to say, you are not perfect. We do make mistakes and events and actions happen outside of our control. It is OK. Be gentle with yourself.
We want to take the necessary steps for forgiveness and reconciliation when we have harmed another. We want to understand our feelings when we have not harmed another but still feel guilty. From gaining more insight into ourselves we can learn and grow.
If someone is putting their expectations and disapproval onto you, let them know they can keep it. There’s enough we do wrong without someone putting their stuff onto us. Doing the above actions will help you breathe easier, feel lighter, enjoy relationships more.
Written by Cindy Picht, LPC, CEO
About Cindy:
Cindy is director and co-founder of Light the Way Counseling. She is a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional and a Certified Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional. She combines her skills with compassion and encouragement to help people find hope and healing.