What To Do When You Can’t Forgive Yourself

When we really mess up, it stinks.

We feel awful, sick to our stomachs.

Our heads are reeling with regret from what we’ve done.

We tell ourselves we forgive ourselves. But it doesn’t go away. The dark cloud lingers over us. We can’t seem to shake it off.

What’s going on? We can’t forgive ourselves.

Why is forgiving ourselves so hard?

Forgiving others is healthy. We don’t allow bitterness and resentment to creep in. We are understanding of others.

With ourselves it’s different. We think, “how could I possibly do THAT!?” I’m better than that.

We just can’t believe we would do or say such a thing. Yet we did it and we feel bad. We feel if we could do something like that, we are beyond redeeming. We can’t reconcile this conflict in our brains.

Welcome to the human race. We are all a mess and in the same boat. We all make mistakes and hurt others. Acknowledging the harm done helps, feeling bad about it is healthy.

Another reason we struggle with forgiving ourselves could be our low view of ourselves. We may feel we don’t deserve forgiveness. We always mess up and this just confirms we are a mess up. Why bother with forgiveness? We’ll just do it again.

We may feel shame when we mess up. We criticize ourselves, call ourselves names and verbally beat ourselves up. It’s hard to forgive ourselves when we treat ourselves so poorly.

Notice the faulty thinking.  Often, we have the “critical parent” in our head using the words— “should, could, would”. The more we blame and condemn ourselves, the harder it is to forgive ourselves. Faulty thinking decreases our ability to forgive ourselves.

Unforgiveness, whether towards ourselves or others, will make us sick. We get sick physically and emotionally. We become bitter and our relationships are affected.  It is not a good place for us to be.

We need to forgive ourselves.

The how and why in forgiving ourselves

Our physical and mental health improves when we forgive ourselves. We are more at peace with ourselves and others. Our relationships improve as we have a more positive outlook. Our thinking is clearer.

There isn’t a magic formula in improving our lives. We don’t wave magic wands and suddenly we are changed. It takes work. Usually, hard work.

Here are some things to do when you find you’re beating yourself up or struggling to forgive yourself for something that’s happened:

• Awareness of the need to forgive is the first part. Being aware of the hurt or mistake and awareness of our thoughts and feelings are needed for healing and change to occur.

• Allowing yourself to feel your emotions and pay attention to your thoughts. Write them down or express them to a trusted person.

• Pay attention to your thoughts. Would you say it to a friend or would you be gentler? Don’t beat yourself up, shame yourself or condemn yourself. It doesn’t help. Be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself as you want others to treat you.

•  If you have hurt another with your words or actions you want to ask forgiveness. Be sincere and honest.

•  Avoid excuses for your actions or behaviors. Own it. Work at making necessary changes. Learn from your experience. We are all human and we all make mistakes.

• Take time to reflect what changes you need to make in your thinking and behavior.

• Are you feeling guilt or shame? Guilt leads to regret or remorse which leads to change. Shame keeps us stuck in condemning ourselves. Shame does not lead to change.

• Have an action plan to make necessary changes so it doesn’t happen again.

• Tell yourself you are forgiving yourself.

Forgiveness of ourselves and others is important for our emotional and physical health. It is hard to forgive ourselves, but when we do, we feel better. Don’t skim over forgiveness. Take the time you need to heal, learn and grow through forgiving yourself.

When we do, we have better relationships; we can be more successful and be at peace with ourselves.

If you need to forgive yourself, take the time to do so. If you need to forgive someone else, forgive them. If you can be reconciled to another, be reconciled. Each part of this process helps to transform you into the person you are intended to be.

Written by Cindy Picht, LPC, CEO

About Cindy:

Cindy is director and co-founder of Light the Way Counseling. She is a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional and a Certified Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional. She combines her skills with compassion and encouragement to help people find hope and healing.