Out with Resentment, In With Forgiveness

We are entering a season of increased family gatherings. Some of you are really excited to see your family but some may start to remember the stress and pain that the holidays bring.

Before we start getting into the holiday spirit lets work on making them a little more comfortable for us.

One of the major roadblocks to enjoy the holiday season is resentment.

How do we kick resentment out and let forgiveness in? Let’s start by understanding the basics of what each of these words mean and how it applies to us.

Forgiveness, according to the Merriam Webster definition, is ceasing the feeling of resentment against an offender. Forgiveness is not a weakness; it’s not excusing behavior or forgetting what happened.

Forgiveness is about acknowledging you are cable of being wounded and you are willing to step out from the role of victim and take charge of your life. 

Biblically speaking we can see forgiveness in two ways; divine and human. Divine forgiveness is the gracious act of God in which believers are made right with God from spiritual death to spiritual life. Human forgiveness is the act and attitude toward those who have wronged us which can lead to restored relationships and fellowship.

Now let’s look at resentment.

Resentment is a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury. Holding on to resentment is like drinking poison and expecting it to hurt the person that has wronged you.

Resentment leads to withdrawal and lack of vulnerability, broken relationships, and causes harm to self. It can also cause an overreaction to a perceived hurt/offense. As you can see the main person that resentment hurts is the person holding on to it.

Sometimes we fear of letting go of that resentment because it could seem like we are letting the offender off the hook but in fact what we are doing is letting ourselves off the hook, freeing ourselves of wanting to punish and get revenge.

There are many benefits to forgiveness that go beyond relational. There are spiritual and mental benefits as well. Not all relationships are restored even though we forgive the offender. The key reason to forgive is because we want to be obedient to God, and because we have been forgiven ourselves.

Another benefit is to gain control of our lives from hurt emotions so that we won’t become bitter. Forgiveness creates healthy intimate relationships that allows for healing and growth which causes us to feel more secure and less vulnerable.

Practicing forgiveness is the foundation of a good relationship.  The personal benefits of forgiveness is that you are better able to maintain emotional well-being and physical health. It also allows you to live a life where others do not have power over you, and you are not dominated by unresolved bitterness and resentment.

Forgiveness is not only about forgiving others but is also about forgiving yourself. Sometimes we make mistakes, have regrets and have made decisions that caused undesirable consequences. If you haven’t forgiven yourself you may feel hopeless, paralyzed by self-doubt, more critical of others and you may hold yourself back from intimate relationships.

Forgiving yourself has similar benefits to forgiving others. Your relationships can improve, you will be more motivated to make amends with others, you will have improved self-esteem and self-worth. Most importantly forgiveness of self makes room for God’s grace in your life.

Forgiveness is a gift to yourself to release resentment. It is not easy and it does not erase the pain that is associated with the offense. Forgiveness is not a feeling, it’s a choice. Sometimes making that choice can be extremely challenging especially when there is deep hurt and trauma.

We can help you navigate your feelings in a safe and supportive environment which can help you to be kick resentment out and let in forgiveness.

Written by: Erica Realpe, LAMFT

About Erica:

Erica works with couples, families, individuals and groups coming from both English and Spanish speaking backgrounds. Erica's passion is to provide counseling for the well being and restoration of family relationships.