Replay. Analyze. Worry. Repeat

Overthinking is something many clients talk about in counseling, even if they don’t always call it that. Usually, it sounds more like: “I can’t shut my brain off,” “I keep replaying the conversation over and over,” or “I know I’m probably making this bigger than it is, but I can’t stop thinking about it.”

Many people assume overthinking just means thinking too much. But most of the time, it goes deeper than that. Usually, overthinking is the mind trying to protect us. It shows up when something feels uncertain, emotionally uncomfortable, or out of our control.

The brain starts searching for answers, replaying situations, predicting outcomes, or trying to prepare for every possible scenario because, somewhere underneath it all, there is the hope that if we think hard enough, maybe we can avoid getting hurt.

I remember working with a client who would replay every social interaction after it happened. After meeting with friends, she would spend hours wondering whether she had talked too much, whether someone had sounded annoyed with her, or whether she had said the “wrong” thing. Rationally, she knew there probably wasn’t a problem, but emotionally, it felt very real. By the time she went to sleep, she was mentally exhausted. What stood out wasn’t that she was “dramatic” or irrational. It was that her mind was working overtime trying to protect her from rejection and embarrassment. Once we understood that, overthinking started to make more sense. That’s often the turning point in counseling.

Instead of seeing overthinking as something “wrong” with you, we start asking: What is this trying to do for me?

Sometimes, overthinking is trying to:

• Prevent rejection

• Avoid failure or embarrassment

• Stay prepared for conflict

• Feel more in control

• Avoid uncertainty

• Protect against disappointment

The problem is that while overthinking feels productive, it usually keeps people stuck.

Instead of creating clarity, it creates more anxiety.

The mind starts going in circles, searching for certainty that it can never fully find. A lot of people come into counseling wanting to know how to stop overthinking completely. The truth is, the goal is not to never have anxious or repetitive thoughts again. Our minds naturally think. The goal is learning how to respond differently when those thoughts show up, so they no longer take over your entire day.

One of the first things we work on is simply learning to notice the pattern. That sounds small, but it matters. When someone is deeply stuck in overthinking, every thought feels urgent and important.

 Slowing down enough to say, “I notice my overthinking is showing up right now,” creates a little bit of separation between the person and the thought. Instead of immediately getting pulled into the spiral, there is now a moment of awareness.

From there, we often start identifying triggers. Overthinking rarely happens randomly. For some people, it shows up most in relationships. For others, it happens around work performance, conflict, health concerns, or fear of disappointing people. Once patterns become clearer, clients often realize, “Oh, this tends to happen when I feel insecure,” or “I notice I spiral whenever I feel misunderstood.”

There are also practical strategies that can help interrupt the cycle:

1. Set boundaries with rumination
Sometimes people spend hours mentally reviewing the same situation without realizing it. One strategy is creating a “worry window,” where you give yourself 10–15 minutes to journal or think through the concern intentionally, rather than allowing it to consume the whole day. Surprisingly, giving thoughts structure often reduces their intensity.

2. Come back to the present moment
Overthinking usually pulls people into the future (“What if this happens?”) or the past (“Why did I say that?”). Grounding techniques help bring attention back to the present. This can be as simple as noticing your breathing, naming five things you can see, or reconnecting with your physical surroundings.

3. Pay attention to self-talk

People who overthink are often incredibly hard on themselves. They speak to themselves with a level of criticism they would never use with someone they care about. Counseling often involves learning how to respond with more compassion and less judgment.

Over time, the goal becomes less about “I never overthink anymore” and more about “I notice when I’m spiraling, and I know how to ground myself before it takes over.” That shift might sound small, but for many people, it changes the way they move through everyday life.

Esther Lee, MA, LAC

Helping individuals, children, and teens understand themselves and build healthy relationships. Esther is available through telehealth and in Midland Park.