10 Ways to Help Someone Grieve Well

The other day I was catching up on Facebook and found out the wife of a retired pastor at my church died. Jean Richmond was 93 years old.  Her husband is 100.  Many of the comments people wrote were the usual ones about how she lived a long life, she’s with Jesus now, she’s at peace. All true. These comments were nice, but some other comments jumped out at me, particularly because of how helpful they were.

What we say and do can help heal a person’s broken heart… or keep their heart hurting. The healing comments I read were encouraging, personal and reflective. I'm sure Jean's family was deeply comforted by these comments.

Some of the comments I read on Facebook that day reflect Light the Way's approach to grief. I’ve included  them in the list below, as well as other ways we encourage people to  comfort others. What we do and say can help a person grieve well.

10 Things to Say or Do to Help a Person Grieve:

1.  I’m so sorry for your loss. This sounds simple but, when heartfelt, brings comfort to the broken heart. The grieving person knows they are not alone.  They know someone cares.

2. I wish I knew what to say—just know I care. Often, we really don't know what to say that may be of comfort. It’s okay to just say that. Again, when heartfelt, the grieving person understands and is comforted by these words.

3. Give them a hug. We are deeply comforted by physical touch. If a hug isn’t comfortable for either of you, a touch on their shoulder or arm also is comforting.

4. Cry with them.  I know we want to be strong when someone is grieving, and we can think crying is perceived as a weakness. It is not. Crying is normal and helps improve our emotional wellbeing. Heartfelt tears are a comfort.

5. My favorite memory is... I love this one. Someone shared a special memory about Jean Richmond from their childhood.  I was able to imagine it and what it was like for them. It was inspiring to hear a memory.  It prompted others to share their memories. Someone grieving wants to hear special memories we have of their loved one.

 6. I don’t know how you feel but I’m here for you. We don’t know exactly how the person feels and all they are going through. The more we allow them to talk, the better we can understand their feelings. A grieving person needs a good listener.

 7. Sit in silence with them. Silence is powerful. Allow the person grieving to initiate a conversation. They may need the silence. They will know when they are ready to talk. Being quiet can bring calmness and safety.

8.Your emotions and reactions are normal. When we experience a loss, feeling sad is normal. Feelings of anger, hopelessness, heartbreak are normal reactions. Expressing anger, questioning why this happened, and sleeplessness are also normal reactions when experiencing a loss.

9. Accept them where they are and what they are feeling. A grieving person’s feelings are often raw and reactionary. Avoid saying how they should feel or what they ought to do. Allow them to express themselves. Avoid judging, evaluating or critiquing them when their feelings are raw.

 10. Tell me more about… Allow them space to tell some of their favorite memories or more about their loved one. It feels good when someone can share their memories. It helps them feel connected to the person they lost.

 We  need to grieve. What we say and do can help others grieve well.  If you know someone is grieving, go see them and comfort  them.

Written by: Cindy Picht, LPC, CEO