10 Things NOT to Say at a Time of Loss
My mother died when I was only 23 years old.
Decades later, I remember clearly her pastor saying to me while we were looking at pictures to display at her Memorial Service,
“I guess you’ll regret never wanting to have your picture taken.”
Of all the events in the weeks following her death, I remember those words the most. The negative, emotional response I had to those words left an indelible mark on me.
Often, we don’t know what to say to someone who is sad and grieving. We think we have to say something. It's tough to sit in silence while someone is crying. If we’re honest, sometimes we wish we could say, “Stop it and get over it. You are making me uncomfortable!”
Yes, we may be uncomfortable when someone is upset. But they are probably more uncomfortable being upset. We want to be sure to comfort others with the comfort we have experienced or desire.
A big part of being able to do that is knowing what not to say. For some reason, the things that seem natural to say when we want to offer comfort will actually have the opposite effect. In these moments, knowing what not to say helps us filter our thoughts. That way, we can be sure to actually help the person who is grieving.
Here are 10 things not to say when someone is grieving:
1. They lived a long life. It doesn’t matter how long they lived. They will still be missed. There is a void in the grieving person's life.
2. There is a reason/purpose for everything. At a time of loss, we are feeling, not thinking. Grief is emotional. Trying to figure out the reason or purpose for the loss hinders people from grieving.
3. They are in a better place. They are at peace. Again, this may be true. But, if they hear that in the immediate aftermath of a loss, the person grieving may feel guilty that they are so sad.
4. Don’t you think you should be over this by now? It’s been a while. Grieving takes time and each person has their own timetable. Don't try to rush them through it. We don't know all they are feeling and experiencing.
5. You can still have another child, pet, spouse, fill in the blank. Not much needs to be said about how hurtful this comment can be.
6. Be strong for your parent. Be strong for your children. Statements encouraging people to be strong can leave the grieving person wondering, “Who is strong for me?”
7. How are you doing? While it seems like a caring conversation starter, to them it's a loaded question and can be challenging to answer. To the person grieving each day, even each moment, is different.
8. I understand how you feel. It’s better to show empathy in other ways because grief is unique to each person. There are many factors that go into how a person feels. They may have a major void, regrets, anger, and a wide range of memories and emotions.
9. Stay busy, stop thinking about it, stop crying, you shouldn’t feel that way. People need to grieve after a loss and feel their emotions. At times, a distraction may be helpful. Let the grieving person set the pace and express what they need.
10. You’ll be ok. Time heals all wounds. Time doesn’t heal. Taking the right steps to grieve heals.
Remember, grieving is a normal part of our human experience. In times of loss, we need to grieve. By knowing what not to say, we can better support others in their time of grief.
If this list leaves you not being sure about what to say, that’s okay. Just sit in silence and listen. It’s more than enough to let the person know you don’t know what to say and simply be there with them.
Do you know anyone that is going through some sort of loss right now? Reach out to them and be a comfort, even in the silence. They will appreciate it.
Written by: Cindy Picht, LPC, CEO