Why We See What We Expect to See

They didn’t respond to me right away. What did I do wrong that is making them ignore me?

I’ve told them the same thing over and over again. They still don’t do it. I don’t think they love/like/care about me.

I’m thinking of buying a blue car, but all I see are blue cars on the road.

Have you noticed how easy it is to find evidence that supports what you already believe?

If you think someone doesn’t care, you’ll notice every missed text.
If you believe you’re failing, your mind quickly gathers proof.
If you’re convinced a relationship is “just broken,” every disagreement feels like confirmation.

This isn’t because you’re negative or stubborn.
It’s because you’re human.

This pattern has a name: confirmation bias.

What Is Confirmation Bias?

Confirmation bias is our brain’s tendency to look for, focus on, and remember information that supports what we already believe—while filtering out information that challenges it.

It’s not something “other people” do.

We all do it.

Our brains are wired for efficiency and safety.

Once we form a belief, our mind tries to protect us from uncertainty by building a case around it. Our brains do not like uncertainty.

The problem is that what feels protective can quietly keep us stuck.

How Confirmation Bias Shows Up in Everyday Life

You might notice confirmation bias when:

• You assume your partner doesn’t listen, so every misunderstanding feels like proof.

• You believe you’re “too much” or “not enough,” and your mind collects moments that support that story.

• You think conflict always leads to rejection, so you avoid hard conversations altogether.

• You’re convinced anxiety will always control you, so you discount moments of calm.

Over time, these beliefs don’t just shape how we think — they shape how we feel, respond, and relate.

And the longer a belief goes unquestioned, the more “true” it feels.

Why Confirmation Bias Is So Powerful in Relationships

Relationships are especially vulnerable to confirmation bias because they involve emotion, history, and vulnerability.

If you expect:

• criticism → you hear tone before words

• abandonment → you brace yourself before it happens

• disappointment → you stop hoping

Eventually, you’re no longer responding to what’s actually happening — you’re responding to what you expect to happen.

This doesn’t mean your experiences aren’t real.
It means your interpretation may be narrowing without you realizing it.

The Cost of Confirmation Bias

Left unchecked, confirmation bias can:

• Increase anxiety and emotional reactivity

• Deepen resentment in relationships

• Reinforce negative self-beliefs

• Make change feel impossible

• Create emotional distance where closeness is possible

Most people don’t need “better logic.” They need gentle awareness and space to see more clearly.

How to Change Your Confirmation Bias

You don’t have to force positive thinking or deny pain.
Instead, try expanding the picture.

Here are a few simple, grounding questions to ask yourself:

• What evidence might I be missing?

• What are other possible explanations?

• What would I notice if I assumed the best?

• Has this belief always been true — or did it start at a painful moment?

These questions aren’t meant to invalidate your feelings.
They’re meant to loosen the grip of a story that may no longer be serving you.

Slow down your thoughts to give yourself time to explore other explanations and the source of your response.

Accept your emotions without judgment.

Allow new perspectives to emerge.

Awareness opens the door to choice.

A Gentle Invitation

If you’ve noticed yourself feeling stuck in the same emotional loops — in your thoughts, your relationships, or your sense of self — it doesn’t mean you’re failing.

It may simply mean your mind is doing what it learned to do to survive.

And that can be unlearned.

At Light the Way Counseling Center, we believe healing begins with understanding — not judgment. If you’re curious about exploring the patterns shaping your inner world or your relationships, we’re here to walk with you.

You don’t have to believe everything your thoughts tell you.
And you don’t have to navigate it alone.

Cindy Picht, MA, LPC, ACS

Chief Executive Officer. Helping individuals heal from trauma and abuse and be free from anxiety. Cindy has limited availability in Midland Park.