Boundaries in Marriage: What They Are and Why They Matter
What Are Boundaries?
“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership.” – Cloud & Townsend, Boundaries
To understand boundaries, imagine property lines. When you own a house, you’re responsible for everything within your boundary line—lawn and home maintenance. A fence might help you see where your property ends and your neighbor's begins.
If your neighbor neglects their yard, you might feel annoyed or frustrated. However, their property remains their responsibility, not yours. You can express your concerns or even offer to help, but you cannot force them to change. Stepping onto their property to “fix” it without permission crosses a line and may lead to conflict.
Boundaries, in this sense, clarify responsibility. They help us see what we can control and what we cannot.
Boundaries in Marriage
Applying boundaries in marriage can feel tricky because the goal is often to become “one”—a unified team. However, healthy boundaries don't create separation but define individual responsibilities within the partnership.
Understanding and respecting these boundaries allows couples to work through differences while maintaining mutual respect and accountability. Let’s explore five key areas of responsibility in marriage:
1. Feelings
Feelings are personal and serve as an internal alarm system, signaling areas that need attention. While you cannot control your spouse’s emotions, you are responsible for expressing your own and managing how you respond to them.
In marriage:
Communicate how you feel rather than expecting your spouse to guess.
Learn coping skills to manage your emotional reactions. For example, instead of yelling when angry, pause to respond thoughtfully.
2. Attitudes and Beliefs
Your attitude reflects your perspective on life, relationships, and challenges, while your beliefs shape how you interpret situations. Conflicts in marriage often arise not because of what’s said but due to differing attitudes or beliefs.
In marriage:
Choose to see your spouse through a lens of grace. Believe in their love and goodwill, even when mistakes happen.
Focus on gratitude and curiosity instead of blame. Ask clarifying questions to better understand their viewpoint.
3. Behaviors
Your actions are your responsibility. While emotions might influence behavior, you ultimately choose how to act. If you yell in anger, that choice belongs to you—not your spouse, even if they upset you.
In marriage:
Avoid blaming your spouse for your reactions (“I yelled because you made me angry”).
Accept that negative behavior, like harsh words, strains the relationship. Repair the harm caused by your actions rather than dismissing it.
4. Thoughts
Your thoughts influence your emotions and behaviors. Taking responsibility for your thoughts involves actively learning, reflecting, and seeking personal growth.
In marriage:
Commit to learning better ways to communicate, manage emotions, and meet your spouse’s needs.
Challenge unhelpful thought patterns, like assuming your spouse is trying to hurt you, and replace them with more constructive beliefs.
5. Love
Love is both a choice and a responsibility. It involves giving and receiving freely, even when it feels undeserved.
In marriage:
Accept your spouse’s love, even if you struggle with feelings of unworthiness.
Learn to love your spouse in ways they feel most loved, whether through words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, or other expressions of care.
The Path Forward
Marriage is not easy. These responsibilities take time and effort to develop. Instead of tackling everything at once, focus on improving one area—just 1% at a time. Over time, those small steps can create significant changes in your relationship.
Healthy boundaries are not about creating distance but fostering clarity, respect, and love. By defining what is “me” and what is “not me,” you allow yourself and your spouse to thrive as individuals and as partners.
Blog inspired by: Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992). Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life. Zondervan.
Erica Realpe, MA, LMFT
Helping individuals, couples, and families heal and create better relationships. Erica is available in Midland Park and telehealth. Sessions are available in English and Spanish.