Boundaries in Parenting: A Guide to Healthy Relationships

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Boundaries are just one of those buzzwords that seem to be on everyone’s lips these days. However, with the rise of “gentle parenting” in social media, it seems that boundaries have become another buzzword when pressed to define, will have different definitions. So, what exactly are boundaries and how can we use them in parenting to help guide our children into healthy adulthood?

Boundaries are Expectations + Consequences

This is where many parents struggle. Gentle parenting in social media touts having a positive relationship with your children and forming a strong bond with them, which essential. Natalia Oliver in her article A Beginner’s Guide to Gentle Parenting defines Gentle Parenting as an, “…approach that encourages a partnership between you and your child to make choices based on an internal willingness instead of external pressures.” Similarly, the Cleveland Clinic Health Essentials post on What is Gentle Parenting, it states “The goal of gentle parenting is to raise confident, independent and happy children through empathy, respect and understanding, and setting healthy boundaries.”

However, gentle parenting often falls short when it comes to managing inappropriate or defiant behavior. This usually happens when parents either fail to set clear consequences or become emotionally reactive themselves. Boundaries, when effectively implemented, can help set expectations and the consequences from the start. Clearly stated expectations and consequences help children to understand the rules of the family as well as the results stemming from a boundary breach. Consequences can be both negative or positive. Consequences can be a reward or a punishment based on how a child has met your expectation.

Appropriate vs Inappropriate Consequences

One of the more difficult challenges of parenting is trying to figure out the pathway between an Authoritarian, Authoritative, and Permissive parent. The key between these three lies in the understanding of what is or is not an appropriate expectation and/or consequence. Having a time out for a 45-year-old son for not following your tax advice, may NOT be appropriate. Making a 3-year-old do 20-mile ruck march for causing a fuss during bed time may also not be a completely appropriate punishment. Taking away the keys to the car from a lying teenager? That sounds more fitting. Even an extra snack for a young toddler who was able to clean up their play area by themselves, would be a completely appropriate reward.

Emotions: The Roadblock to Effective Boundaries

Here’s what has led to a new generation of parents towards gentle parenting: High emotions and reactivity that are difficult to deal with in children. In No Drama Discipline by Dan Siegel, one of first things you must do as a parent is to address the emotional outbursts and become a safe haven for the child. However, once the child has calmed down, the lesson must still be taught and the expectations enforced through the appropriate consequences.

 Start Setting Boundaries Today

Understanding and implementing boundaries in your parenting can profoundly impact your child's development. Take a moment to reflect on the expectations and consequences you’ve set in your household. Are they clear, consistent, and appropriate for your child’s age? If not, now is the perfect time to make adjustments. Just because the emotion is difficult to deal with does not allow parents to shy away from their duty to teach their child the expectations to grow into confident, responsible, and well-adjusted adults. Talk with your spouse to try and figure out a multitude of age-appropriate consequences that can evolve as the family matures. Start today and see the positive changes in your family's dynamics. If you get stuck, we here at Light the Way are here to help you through those difficult conversations and help you and your partner work together for the benefit of your family.

About Roy Rim, MA, LMFT

Helping individuals, couples, and families find understanding that leads to the confidence to change. Roy is available in Midland Park and telehealth.