Back to the Garden: God’s Design for Marriage Part 2

Last Friday, my wife and I attended a Frankie Valli/Four Seasons cover band concert and sang along wistfully to some of our old favorites. All the songs, as different as they were, had one common theme – romantic love: either an abundance of it (“You’re too good to be true, I can’t take my eyes off of you!”), or the loss of it (“Ronnie, Ronnie, why did you go? I am regretting but can’t stop forgetting…”). While we idealize romance, the longing for a lifelong lover and companion is hard-wired into our human psyche. Falling in love is easy. Staying “in love” – well, that’s a different story!

In our first blog, we suggested that the parable of the Sower and the Seed from Mark 4:3-9 helps us understand how we can “stay in love,” or, using the language of scripture, how our marriages can be “fruitful” and life-giving. The parable develops the idea that a lot can go wrong between the sowing of the seed and the bearing of fruit. As any married person well knows, there are many pitfalls along the way that can rob us of the joys of a fruitful marriage.

The first pitfall is described in the seed that “fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up.” A marriage weighed down by hurtful words and deeds is like the seed gobbled up by the birds, never having a chance to germinate and bear fruit. When emotional hurt and pain dominate a marriage, the joys of marriage never see the light of day. What are these words and behaviors that are so destructive? What are these “love busters” that are so harmful to a marriage? Let me suggest five of them.

Annoying Habits

Annoying habits range from small issues, such as the proverbial cap on the toothpaste or raised toilet seat, to larger issues, such as overspending, smoking, or drinking excessively. People who are well married try very hard not to annoy or hurt their spouses unnecessarily. So, we moderate our behaviors as much as we can to accommodate our partner, yet without sacrificing our autonomy in the process. There is a balance to be found here. Take a moment to reflect: Are there behaviors you could change or moderate that your spouse would appreciate?

Selfish Demands

This occurs when we demand something from our spouse with the spoken or implied threat that there will be a price to pay if that demand is not met. I once saw a sign at my workplace years ago that said, “The beatings will continue until morale improves.” As absurd as this may sound, it is not unlike the spouse who seeks a better marriage by coercing or threatening their partner to meet their needs. People who are well married make requests for love and connection and invite their partners to join them in loving and enjoyable activities. If important needs are not being met, we have heart-to-heart talks to explore ways to improve those aspects of our marriage.

Dishonesty

Dishonesty may take the obvious form of outright lying or the more indirect form of withholding the truth. Dishonesty always undermines trust, and its twin sibling, intimacy. Some people are hard-wired by nature (or nurture) to lie or shade the truth to avoid unpleasantness. If that is you, a commitment to truth-telling is in order, for the good of your marriage as well as your own good name. What if it’s your partner who is habitually untruthful? Someone once wisely said, “You can’t demand honesty, but you can reward it.” So, do your best to “reward” your partner for being truthful with you. How? By not responding to the truth immediately with anger but expressing appreciation that your partner was truthful. Then, have the hard conversation, but be careful with your words.

Independent Behavior

This means going ahead with an activity or a purchase over the clear objections of your spouse. Independent behavior sends a message that you are willing to hurt your partner to get what you want – never a formula for a happy marriage. Every marriage faces these difficult junctures from time to time. The wise couple will talk these issues through, listening to each other’s needs and objections. The reluctant partner may try to stretch him or herself to say “yes,” and/or the asking partner may suggest compromises. Ultimately, if the reluctant partner cannot get to “yes,” it is almost always a mistake to go forward with the activity or purchase.

Disrespectful Judgments

This involves what I call playing “armchair psychologist” or giving your partner insight into their behavior. “The real reason you did that was…,” or “Can’t you see you’re just like your mother when you…,” or “You’re narcissistic,” or “You’re passive-aggressive.” All these statements send a message that you have insight into your partner’s emotional world that they don’t. In truth, some of your insights may be accurate, but they are almost always hurtful to your partner. Resist the temptation to share your insights. Instead, state clearly what you need or want from your partner, or what words or behaviors are hurtful to you.

Stephen Dorsey, MA, LMFT

Helping couples rekindle the love that brought them together in the first place. Stephen is available in Midland Park and telehealth.