Three Ways to Help Your Children Develop a Healthy Relationship with Food
It is not uncommon to struggle with your child at meal times. You want them to get the nutrition they need and enjoy trying new foods! However, when parents and children struggle over food, it can become very difficult for a child to develop a healthy relationship with food.
Think about it, were you raised in a home where you had to finish everything on your plate before you could leave the table? Were desserts so rare that when you did eat them you did so until you felt sick because you didn’t know when you’d get the chance again? Were you bribed with ice cream to behave? Did you have to choke down the food you hated before you were allowed to do your favorite fun activity? Struggling with children over food in these ways can confuse a child’s natural ability to listen to their bodies. Newborns, for example, have an innate understanding of whether or not they are hungry.Yet when food is forced on them, used as a reward, heavily restricted, or just generally used as a tool to control behavior, some problems may develop. For example, as children get older they may begin to dislike the healthy foods that have been forced upon them and they can become obsessive over foods that have been heavily restricted or labeled as “bad.” In extreme cases, practices like these can contribute to the development of disordered eating behaviors like extreme dieting, restrictive eating, and inflexible eating patterns.
While the examples mentioned above are very common experiences you perhaps had as a child, now that you're a parent, I'd like to suggest some alternative approaches to food that can help your child develop a healthy relationship with food.
First, try practicing what feeding expert Ellyn Satter calls, “division of responsibility.” The parent decides when food is served, what food is being served, and where food is served. The child decides whether to eat and how much to eat. This approach takes into consideration a child’s natural ability to eat when hungry. The parents need to create a healthy feeding environment for their children but children are responsible for deciding how much they are going to eat and whether they are going to eat at all. When there is no external pressure dictating how much a child should eat, children are given the freedom to eat in response to their own hunger and fullness cues, and therefore, they are better able to eat the amount that is right for them. Think about how much stress will be reduced from meal times if you’re not begging your child to “just take three more bites!”
Second, use an “all foods fit” approach. Avoid depriving your children of things they love, even sweets. We want what we “can’t” have. The moment a certain food is not allowed or severely restricted the desire for that food is heightened! Parents can be honest about the fact that some foods aren’t nutritious for the body but they exist just to taste good. Honestly talking about nutrition paired with unrestricted access to a wide range of foods, including things like desserts, reduces the risk of children becoming fixated on less nutritionally dense foods. When kids know that ALL foods are allowed, sweets lose their power.
Finally, talk about food in non-moralistic terms. Avoid labeling foods as “good” or “bad,” as this type of language assigns a moral value to food. Even labels like “clean” or “junk” can moralize food. Guilty feelings arise when we tell children that some foods are bad! Additionally, children will start to believe that they are “good” if they eat the “good” foods or “bad” if they eat the “bad” foods. What a shameful barrier to eating! This type of dichotomy can create a restrictive mindset and encourage children to start fearing certain foods. Help your child focus on how foods make them feel by giving them permission to eat the foods they enjoy without judgement.
Implementing the division of responsibility, an all foods fit approach, and avoiding labeling can help children develop healthy habits that will serve them the rest of their lives. Prioritizing providing children with increased opportunity to develop a balanced, flexible, and peaceful relationship with food is invaluable. Try some of these tips and see how it goes!
Jillian Meher, MA, LPC
Helping individuals and teens who feel stuck in survival mode learn to thrive. Jillian is available by telehealth.