Did You Know We Have Perpetual Problems in Marriage?
Recently, while my wife was driving me to West Palm Beach airport, I received a notice on my
phone that my flight was now boarding. For my wife, this would have been cause for sheer
panic!
My reaction? Quiet satisfaction that I was right on schedule! Five more minutes to the airport,
five minutes to get through security, a short walk to the gate, perfect timing!
The truth is, when I fly alone, I do it my way, and there are no problems. When my wife flies
alone, she does it her way, and there are no problems. But when we fly together?
Welcome to marriage and the world of “perpetual problems”.
So, what are perpetual problems? They are differences in habits, preferences and values that challenge every married couple. If not managed, they will choke out the joy of marriage, or perhaps end the marriage because of “irreconcilable differences.”
Examples abound, such as differences in managing money, the amount of social interaction desired, punctuality habits, household orderliness and cleanliness, child discipline, sexual preferences, and driving habits.
Perpetual problems are never fully resolved. Every couple has them. What are yours?
When perpetual problems show up in the counseling office, here’s what we do, using the example of differences in spending habits.
To begin, I encourage couples to exit the power struggle of who is right or wrong. Like most people, “my way” feels right to me, and I don’t appreciate being told otherwise. Try to view your differences as just that, not personality flaws to be judged and condemned.
Secondly, give each partner a chance to share their feelings about the topic at hand, what values are in play, and what backstory may help make sense of their viewpoint. A wife may say, “My father was a tightwad; he would never spend any money on us. I resented the things my friends had that I didn’t, and the vacations they enjoyed while we always just visited my grandparents. Yes, I want to indulge myself and our kids a bit, it shows how much we love them. I want to enjoy life now, not live in deprivation to prepare for an unknown future.” Now, the husband will reflect and summarize what his wife has just shared, to help her feel heard and understood.
Then, it is the husband’s turn. “In the early years, both my parents made good money. I had all the things a child would want; we went on expensive vacations, lived in a great home with a huge mortgage. My dad’s heart attack changed everything. It wasn’t long until we lost our home and ended up in a rental on the other side of town. Now, I value living below our means. Saving money brings me security. I don’t need or want a lot of toys and trinkets, nor do I want to pass that value along to our children.”
By this time, both partners feel heard and understood.
The final step is to develop compromises, if possible, in which the husband and wife both move somewhere towards the middle.
It’s helpful to spend time brainstorming compromises before honing in on one option. Once a compromise is reached, try it out for a while and reevaluate, making adjustments as necessary.
One final thought. Some perpetual problems aren’t easily resolved by compromise. Try as I
may, I can’t get my wife excited about arriving at the airport “just in time.”
In some situations, one or the other must “give a gift to the marriage” to have harmony. In a
healthy relationship, both partners experience being on the giving and receiving end of those
gifts.
If you’d like help exploring your perpetual problems and how to build compromise, reach out to
us at 201-444-8103 ext. 1#.
Stephen Dorsey, MA, LMFT
Helping couples rekindle the love that brought them together in the first place. Stephen is available in Midland Park and telehealth.