The Four Habits That Can Ruin a Relationship—and What to Do Instead

Understanding Gottman’s “Four Horsemen” and the Path to Healthier Communication

Every couple has moments of conflict.
That’s normal. What matters most isn’t whether you disagree, but how you navigate those disagreements. According to Drs. John and Julie Gottman, researchers who’ve spent decades studying relationships, there are four toxic communication habits that predict divorce with over 90% accuracy if they go unchecked. They call them The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse—and if they’ve crept into your relationship, it’s not too late to make a change.
At Light the Way, we often help couples recognize and replace these destructive patterns.
Let’s walk through each one, and what to do instead.

Criticism
What it sounds like:
“You never listen to me.”
“Why are you always so lazy?”
“You’re just like your father.”

Criticism attacks your partner’s character instead of focusing on the issue.
It’s different from a complaint. A complaint says, “I felt hurt when you didn’t call.” A criticism says, “You’re so inconsiderate.”

What to do instead: Use a gentle start-up.
Start with “I” statements and focus on your feelings and needs.
Instead of: “You never help with the kids!”
Try: “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with the bedtime routine. Could you help out more tonight?”

Contempt
What it sounds like:
Eye-rolling, sarcasm, mockery, or treating your partner with disrespect.
“Wow, I’m not surprised you forgot again. Typical.”
“You’re so pathetic.”

Contempt is the most dangerous of the four.
It conveys disgust and superiority. It erodes love and builds resentment.

What to do instead: Build appreciation and respect.
Make a habit of expressing gratitude, even for small things. When you feel valued, you’re less likely to attack.
Try: “Thanks for folding the laundry—I noticed that.”

Defensiveness
What it sounds like:
“It’s not my fault.”
“You always blame me, but you’re not perfect either.”

Defensiveness is a way of shifting blame.
It may come from a place of hurt, but it creates distance and escalates conflict.

What to do instead: Take responsibility, even for a small part.
Instead of defending, try acknowledging their perspective.
“I see what you’re saying. I didn’t mean to sound dismissive. I understand why it hurt.”

Stonewalling
What it looks like:
Shutting down, going silent, walking away, or refusing to respond.

Stonewalling is often a sign of emotional overwhelm.
It’s not that you don’t care—it’s that you don’t know how to keep engaging without blowing up or shutting down.

What to do instead: Take a break and self-soothe.
Say: “I’m feeling overwhelmed. Can we take a break and return to this in 20 minutes?”
During the break, do something calming—walk, pray, listen to music—and then return when you’re ready.

Change Is Possible
You might recognize one or more of these “horsemen” in your relationship. That doesn’t mean you’re doomed. It just means there’s an opportunity to grow. Healthy communication takes practice—and sometimes, support.

At Light the Way, we help couples build stronger, safer, and more satisfying relationships.
We're here to walk with you, whether you feel disconnected or want to deepen your connection.

Need a reset in your relationship?
Schedule a free 15-minute Connection Call with one of our trained counselors today.
💻 lightthewaycounseling.com
You don’t have to figure this out alone.

Christina Han, MA, LMFT

Helping individuals, families, and teens overcome life’s challenges and find healing. Christina is in Midland Park, Fort Lee, and telehealth. Sessions are available in English and Korean.